New Holidays Suggested by Groups - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Certain groups have suggested a group of new holidays to reflect the essence of today’s “New America.”

new holidays carjacking — A new “National Carjacking Day” could result in more fun scenes like this! Pursuit of carjacking suspect ends in collision. Photo: zoomar, flicker.com, CC BY-NC 2.0.

Madam Doctor Ophelia Yudamn Skippy, chairperson of the social justice platform “Let’s Start Some Shit,” and Doctor D’ya Smellemee of the “White Ain’t Rite Project” say that American holidays should reflect the essence of current America. Therefore, they are proposing the following national new holidays:

National Mass Shooting day
National Carjacking Day
National Shoot A Rapper Day
National Lying-ass News Broadcast Day
National Online Scam Day
National Campus Riot Day
National Smash and Grab Day
National If You White You Ain’t Right Day
National Just Give Everybody Some Damn Cash Day
National Get Outa Jail Free Day
National Let’s Fuck With Trump Day
National Random Act of Violence Day

This report was filed by SNN Sociopath Reporter Gunnz Uppe.

From the Slobovian Culture Notebook

By Doctor Bartholomew Hottemesski, Slobovian Minister Of Culture.

The Origin of “Brunch”

Once upon a time in ancient Slobovia there was a lazy-ass witch named Brunchipoo, who was a cook in Mighty Byg Wytch’s kitchen. Brunchipoo’s job was to prepare the daily Sunrise meal for the Byg Wytch.

Brunchipoo would stay up all night getting drunk, cackling, seducing all the male wytches and turning people into frogs, goats and snakes. Therefore, the Byg Witch would not get her sunrise meal until the hour of the Squatt (approximately 11 AM) and she was not pleased, so she threw Brunchipoo out on her ass.

But Brunchipoo found a holler and kept cooking her 11 AM meal, and it became very popular with the nightcrawlers around Slobovia. Soon the saying was “Let’s do some Brunchipoo,” and finally, “Let’s do brunch.”

SNN Words to Live By

“Faint heart never filled a flush.” — Pappy Maverick—Maverick, 1950’s TV series.

“Monday stinks.” — Dr. Robert Hartley (Bob Newhart), Bob Newhart Show, 1970’s sitcom.

“Real life should be just like the Donna Reed Show — a half hour on a Thursday night.” — Slobovian poet Uppyarootypoote, 58 BC.

“Friends are like toilet paper — it’s best to have extra under the sink.” — Dr. Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), Big Bang Theory, 2000’s sitcom.

Question of the Week

What’s the biggest lie you ever told? (Post your answer in the comments below.)

Author’s pick: In the seventh grade I told the other kids that I had a horse.

Author
Recent Posts

Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.