Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even about cannabis edibles, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Teens sickened after ingesting cannabis edibles on field trip to La Brea Tar Pits

So, they got extra credit for being in the Stoned Age …

Kristi Noem denies she knew about parts of her book after doing the audio version

In fairness, she doesn’t believe anything she says, either.

Red Lobster abruptly closing dozens of restaurants

Apparently, that’s a win for the ‘Save the Shrimp’ people.

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak was expelled from the school where he just delivered his commencement speech

Ok, if the Biden Administration just paid off his student loans, then I get the anger.

Roger Corman passed away at 98

… Not surprising he brought it in at under a 100.

Trump calls Hannibal Lecter ‘a wonderful man’ in rant against ‘insane’ migrants

What is this? His ‘I have a spleen speech?’

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s marriage is in trouble

They’ve decided to spend more time with the person they love most … so, for now, they’ll be alone.

Nuns of Benedictine College condemn Chief’s kicker Harrison Butker and say his graduation speech ‘fostered division’

Butker’s is so anti LGBTQ+ that, at Christmas, he refuses to don his gay apparel.

Happy 72nd birthday, David Byrne

At this point he’s ‘Burning Down the Waffle House’s Early Bird Dinner.’

A group of Duke students walked out on Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement speech

Apparently, they’re not into Pop Tarts.

Rep. Jasmine Crockett has no regrets about viral ‘beach blonde, butch body’ jab at Marjorie Taylor Greene

Proving, you don’t bring a Marjorie Taylor Green to a Jasmine Crockett fight!

Travis Kelce is highest paid Tight End in NFL

… But not in his relationship.

Quiz: How much do you know about marijuana?

What was the question again?

Tuberville after attending Trump trial: ‘Most depressing thing I’ve ever been in’

… Somebody has to show him tapes of the 2008 Auburn team he coached.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)