Prohibition: From My Cold, Dead Hands

There is one dangerous political organization that voters should fear more than Biden or Trump: the Prohibition Party.

The 2024 presidential election is fast approaching. One of the interesting things about this year’s contest is that people dread both another four years of a Biden presidency and another term for Trump. However, there is one very dangerous political organization that voters should fear even more and that is the Prohibition Party.

Prohibition Party logo.

The Prohibition Party has a fairly mainstream conservative agenda except for one thing. They want to ban our booze. In 2012 they only received 518 votes but in 2016 that number soared to 5,617 which is more than a tenfold increase. If they continued to grow at this rate, we could be in serious trouble. Fortunately, some voters came to their senses in 2020 as the party only garnered 4834 votes in that election. But they remain a worry to all hard drinking Americans.

I oppose their platform strictly for constitutional reasons. The Bill of Rights clearly gives us the prerogative to get hammered. The First Amendment states that there shall be no laws prohibiting the free exercise of religion and we WORSHIP our booze. Taking away our hooch would also be a violation of the Eighth Amendment which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment. What could be crueler than denying hard working Americans the ability to pound down one too many beers after work?

And, in the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson alluded to our right to imbibe when he wrote of our unalienable rights including,” Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happy Hours.”

Ben Franklin probably said it best when he exclaimed,” Wine (although it applies to all alcohol) is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” That’s why I trust in God.

It’s not just the founding fathers that advocated drinking the hooch, the Bible does too. Jesus turned water into wine while Saint Brigid turned water (dirty bathwater) into beer. This is proof that the Good Book seems to advocate prohibiting the drinking of water not alcohol.

So, I say to the Prohibition Party, “Don’t tread on me. I’ll give you my ice-cold beer when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

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JC Wade

J. Wade is a retired Chief Financial Officer from Missouri. He has had humor articles published in the Humor Times, USA Today, The Journal of Irreproducible Results and Unhinged Magazine, which is now defunct (not his fault).