Maggie Confesses Live on Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

“Maggie Confesses” episode — wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his mother Maggie Duncan, live from heaven via hologram.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is my late mother Maggie Duncan live from heaven.

Maggie confesses from heaven — Maggie confesses live from heaven. By Gustave Doré – Alighieri, Dante (1892) “Canto XXXI” in The Divine Comedy by Dante, Illustrated, Public Domain.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

How can I be live if I’m dead?

JERRY

I’m not going to argue.

MAGGIE

Am I your favorite mother, Jerry?

JERRY

I take the fifth. See this straw? Go suck the fun out of someone else’s day.

MAGGIE

Why am I on the show anyway?

JERRY

You told me you have a secret.

MAGGIE

(nervous) That’s right. Jerry, my son…

JERRY

Your only child.

MAGGIE

Brace yourself.

JERRY

Don’t worry. I have a rope around my neck.

MAGGIE

Jerry…you come from a long line of gypsies.

JERRY

Gypsies?! The last time I was surprised like this was when you left a plunger in an unflushed toilet.

MAGGIE

(apologetic) Like my father and his father, I made a living as a pickpocket and fortune teller in Queens. When your father lost his carry out job at the Piggly Wiggly, he joined me in the family business.

JERRY

You were a fortune teller?

MAGGIE

Yeah. That’s why we could only have one child. Your father had crystal balls.

JERRY

I’m very upset. I want to jump off a cliff like your neighbor Angelo Martinelli.

MAGGIE

Imagine how surprised he must have been. Why would you think such thoughts?

JERRY

Because you could have given me away. Think how different my life could have been. Maybe raised in a Manhattan penthouse with a summer home in the Hamptons. Winter vacations skiing in Vail and Aspen. Wed to a beautiful woman who married me for my money.

MAGGIE

I’m sorry, Jerry. What can I say? You were raised by a couple of thieves. The good thing was we were all in the 4th grade at the same time.

JERRY

My mother the thief.

MAGGIE

Yep.

JERRY

Did anyone get caught?

MAGGIE

Your father. He was arrested for stealing a calendar. Got twelve months. It’s a dangerous profession.

JERRY

C’mon.

MAGGIE

Your grandfather got hit by a motorcycle. It was a hit and run. Thank goodness a police officer came to his aid. He asked him, “Do you remember the license plate?” He replied, “No, but here’s his wallet.”

MAGGIE

I’m ashamed of myself. I once pickpocketed a dwarf.

JERRY

How could you stoop so low?

MAGGIE

(embarrassed) I guess it’s time to go. Say you love me.

JERRY

Like poison.

MAGGIE

Thank you, honey.

JERRY

My mother Maggie Duncan.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.