Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even about Richard Dreyfuss going off on LGBTQ+ people, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Richard Dreyfuss star of Jaws — Richard Dreyfuss now wishes he’d been eaten by that shark.

Beverly theater apologizes over Richard Dreyfuss’ comments about women, LGBTQ+ people and diversity

Now when they do the remake of Jaws, people will be rooting for the Shark.

Trump lashes out at Robert De Niro

Trump does have one thing over De Niro. De Niro only plays felons; Trump is one.

Couple makes meth at library: Cops

Now we’re talking cooking the books …

Biden tells Morehouse College he hears their voices of protest over Israel-Hamas war

Interestingly, Biden went to Morehouse; while, Trump could head to the big house.

Wendy’s offering 1-cent burgers for an entire week

But, the bathroom key will cost twenty bucks.

Steven Seagal’s acting career hits new low in nutso Kremlin speech

I’m shocked, shocked that someone thinks Steven Seagal still has an acting career.

Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, the 15-year-old daughter of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, is now just “Vivienne Jolie”

Damn, for Brad, that must be the Pitts.

Jerry Seinfeld says he misses ‘dominant masculinity’ in American culture: ‘I like a real man”

… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Family stricken with rare brain worms after eating undercooked bear

We know that didn’t happen in Florida because the worms would’ve died of starvation.

Marjorie Taylor Greene turned 50

That’s 350 in dog whistle years!

Madonna faces new lawsuit for concerts being too sexual

So, what? At Madonna’s age, she’s just proving 65 is the new 69.

RIP, Bill Walton

Big fella ‘got his chips cashed in…’ Wherever he is, he’ll ‘just keep truckin’ on.’ God speed.

‘Son of Sam’ killer Berkowitz denied parole in12th attempt

On the upside for Berkowitz, he qualifies for a free medium soda and fries.

Justice Alito’s wife ‘spat’ at liberal neighbors’ car during dispute that saw police called, says report

And, this week on ‘The Real Housewives of the Supreme Court …’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)