Writer Tries to Be Fair to Stupid People

Local reporter tries to be fair to all the stupid people who read and comment on his stories.

To be fair and objective to all the morons and stupid people who read and comment on his stories, local reporter Ted Williams just published an article in the Tri-Town News that includes a ridiculously inane rebuttal from someone opposed to the subject written about.

The story was on a study by pharmaceutical company Feizer that said its new vaccine for a deadly new strain of the flu is 98 percent effective and can mean the difference between life and death. As proof of its effectiveness, no one who took the vaccine has died and everyone that has died from the virus was unvaccinated.

“It’s an indisputable scientific fact that the vaccine works,” said Dr. Emil Sitka, a noted doctor at Feizer and former frequent actor on Three Stooges shorts. “Literally no one who took the vaccine has died. In fact, the vaccine has a knock on effect of extending the users lifespan by 10 years. It even brought Curly Joe DeRita back to life … oops, strike that, I didn’t say that last part about Curly Joe. No one is supposed to know that.”

The reporter, Williams was going to end his story there and begin researching a new one about the apparently revived and in hiding Curly Joe DeRita, but his editor told him he had to get the other side of the Feizer vaccine story.

Williams balked at the notion, telling his editor, Rutherford B Hayes IV, that there was no other side.

“The facts are the facts, Mr. Hayes,” Williams said. “There is no ‘other side’ to a fact.”

But Hayes said the paper had a new policy of publishing nonsensical and/or politically motivated alternative facts to every point to appease the gullible idiot readership. Hayes said it was critically important to “get the other side ” of each story, even if the other side is ridiculous, nonsensical, and downright idiotic.

“Gullible idiots are our fastest growing readership demographic,” Hayes said. “There has been an explosion in gullible idiots across the country, there are some 70 million of them, and we need to make them Tri-Town News readers.”

Williams had to catch a plane to Peru to follow up on a reported Curly Joe DeRita sighting, so he didn’t have time to argue.

So Williams relented and interviewed some idiot on X who posted a diatribe railing against the vaccine. He got the following quote and threw it at the end of his article.

“The vaccine was invented by Lizard people to kill us all off so they can take over the world,” said Tim Brandon, a local gullible idiot. “Instead, I read on Facebook that you can kill the virus, along with every other living cell in your body, with a concoction that includes 93 octane unleaded gasoline, orange juice, and expired sour cream, so that’s what I’m going to do.”

Brandon died a few days later but it is not clear if it was from the virus or the gasoline, orange juice, and sour cream-based concoction.

Author
Recent Posts

Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.