Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Lego thefts, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Lego thefts across Southern California leave police trying to piece together clues

Mostly, they’re checking hospitals for someone who’s stepped on dozens of them.

Comedian Rob Schneider left the audience not laughing

And, this is news?!

Elon Musk has made sharing adult content part of the social media platform’s policy

So, it’s now XXX.

D-Day 80th anniversary celebration underway in Normandy

Little Known D-Day FOX News fact: Ike wrote a speech in case the invasion failed, blaming Obama.

Couple finds locked safe while magnet fishing in Queens

Paging Geraldo Rivera. Paging Geraldo Rivera. Paging Geraldo Rivera.

King Charles III has apparently run out of patience with Prince Andrew’s overstay at Royal Lodge

Tell him there’s a sale on Girl Scout cookies; and when he runs out, change the damn locks!

FBI agents testify about surveilling Sen. Menendez’s dinner at Washington steakhouse he frequented

… No word if Menendez tried to get the restaurant to give him change for a gold brick.

Kyle Rittenhouse complains about Trump ‘guilty’ verdicts

Rittenhouse complaining about a jury verdict is like Diddy complaining all flights out of the country have been canceled.

Richard Dreyfuss slammed for alleged sexist and homophobic comments at ‘Jaws’ screening

… Can’t wait for him to talk illegal aliens at ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ screening.

Giraffe grabs toddler from truck during wildlife tour, then drops her into mom’s arms

Unfortunately, after making the catch, to celebrate, the mom spiked the toddler.

Post claiming juror leaked Trump deliberations to cousin appears to be a hoax

Really? My cousin plays for the Mavericks and he told me they’d lose game one. Hmmm?

WWII veteran, 100, marries sweetheart, 96, in France after D-Day events

French First Lady Bridgette Macron: I wish you two kids’ luck!

What happens to Costco rotisserie chickens that exceed the 2-hour shelf life

Cue up: Theme to ‘Born Free.’

Trump’s gun license expected to be revoked after conviction in hush money trial

… That’s good … because now, he won’t be able to shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)