Just deserts: Busted! Busted at an ‘All You Can Eat Buffet’!
Getting my just deserts: Confessions of a Foodie!
In a past life, my late husband & I hit all the Gambling Casinos from the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City to the Istanbul Hilton in Turkey, where I regularly won at my favorite game of chance – Blackjack.
9 times out of 10, I would get ‘a Comp’ for a Buffet. And even though I’m a small eater & always said, ‘Buffets are lost on me – I never do them justice’, I always marveled at other people’s plates piled high as they would walk back to their table.
That’s why I loved the rotund Stand-Up Comic, John Pinette’s routine on his appetite when he said, “I don’t go to buffets much anymore – due to health reasons & Restraining Orders”!
During a specific gambling outing in California, my life of ‘Petty4Crime’ began: I remember sitting in a cozy leather booth meant for 6 people, where we luxuriated in the extra room in case we had to unbuckle our belts!
Satisfied after a full dinner, I sauntered over to the cornucopia of confections where you can linger & pick the dessert of your dreams or your ‘Last Meal’!
Creme Brule, Flan, Napoleons, Cheesecake, Profiteroles, Eclairs, Cobblers, Crisps, Tiramisu, Brownies, Macaroons, Sundaes, Sorbet, Tarts, Tortes, Canoli, Pies, Cookies, Petit Fours & a 7 Layer Cake with a Mouth Extender!
Because I had a big purse (now don’t get ahead of me) to this day, I could swear my husband goaded me on to do the crime so he could enjoy the spoils – but I’ll take the fall!
Of course, if you have a plastic baggie in there like I did – I guess it’s pre-meditated!
When I came back to our table with my cache, I proceeded to eat some of my selections: ‘One for my mouth. One for my purse. One for my mouth…’
I was in my own little spun-sugar world when a woman suddenly appeared at our table & squatted down to eye-level & spoke directly to me:
‘We see that you’re taking some of our food home.’
Damn, the Security Cameras got me! What am I – ‘The Perp of the Day’? Talk about getting my just deserts.
Shamed, mortified & humiliated – all that, on top of slightly nauseous! Sweat appeared on my upper lip competing with Meringue & Streusel Crumbs as I looked for a hole to jump into.
No such luck, my life passed before my eyes & it wasn’t even the good parts!
‘A Felon’! What will happen to my children? Where will they take me, ‘The Entenmann’s House of Corrections’?
I saw myself being dragged out of the restaurant shouting, ‘For G-d’s sake – it wasn’t a Lamb Chop’!
I was waiting for my husband to chime in with ‘There she goes again – her eyes are bigger than her stomach’ – but no, he was pretending this was a Blind Date’!
What’s next – ‘Can’t take her anywhere’?
‘Hey, I won you this frigin’ dinner, Mister’!
When the woman finally stood up & left my side, I felt so guilty I ate everything I took – and believe me, it wasn’t pretty!
It was quite sad actually. While I was shoveling it in my mouth, I noticed I wasn’t enjoying it. It was like when I was a kid, ‘If I don’t eat those peas, I can’t leave the table’!
Or having ‘Obligatory Sex’ – and then you remember it wasn’t good the last time! ha ha
Noticing my sugar high elevation, my husband called 911 before I finished in case we didn’t go with my original idea – jog to New York!
Not really, but I guess I’m lucky. In some countries they cut off your hands – in American Casinos, they kick you outside with a sign on your back that says,
“SLOT TOURNAMENT @ 8 & 11”!
And no – I didn’t get arrested, but I did learn a hard lesson – ‘You can’t put Rice Pudding in your purse’!
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