General Secretary Xi Jinping Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President of Russia Vladimir Putin and Chinese Party General Secretary Xi Jinping.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. We’re live from Disneyland in Shanghai, China. My guests are President of Russia Vladimir Putin and Chinese Party General Secretary Xi Jinping, or is it Xi Jin…pong?

GENERAL SECRETARY XI JINPING

No. It pronounced ping.

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Da, da.

JERRY DUNCAN

(sings) Da, da, black sheep. Have you any wool?

PUTIN

Don’t piss off. I kill you for shit and giggle.

Putin and I good friend. We here to arrest Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

JERRY

On what charges?

They too happy. Not normal in China.

PUTIN

Or Russia. KGB report say Mickey want to divorce Minnie because she having Goofy sex.

It true. Minnie have affair with my cousin Well Hung before he marry Wun Dum Ho.

JERRY

Then don’t blame Mickey.

I blame. He take over and brainwash our two countries by bringing back 50’s Mickey Mouse merchandise.

PUTIN

Not on my watch!

JERRY

You two were rivalries for years. Why are you close?

PUTIN

After I try to liberate Ukraine, western countries impose sanctions. I innocent. That what China and Iran say.

JERRY

Do you know what the national bird of Iran is?

PUTIN

Nyet.

JERRY

An American drone.

We help Russia with technology. They give us oil.

PUTIN

And now we have Chinese restaurant with fortune cookie. One was very bad. I get food poisoning eatng chop suey. I open fortune cookie. It say, “Next time order shrimp.”

I once got bad fortune cookie. Mine say, “There are now 23 nicknames going around for you. None of them are flattering.” I get mad and burn down restaurant.

JERRY

What is your relationship like with the United States?

When we not spying, it pretty good. President Biden and I share something in common, we play Chinese checker.

PUTIN

Real men play chess. Had dinner with chess master. It take him 1 hour to pass the salt. I got mad and poison man. I now the chess master.

JERRY

It’s time to wrap up the show. Any last words?

Just review flag of China. I give it 5 star.

PUTIN

Good news. Use to light Russian houses with electricity. Now we have candle.

JERRY

Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping everyone. See you tomorrow.

(laughs) Maybe.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.