Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a massive catapult to launch satellites into space, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Rocket company develops massive catapult to launch satellites into space without using jet fuel: ‘10,000 times the force of Earth’s gravity’

What’s it called? ‘Space Amish’

Trump fumes over tech problems at his Las Vegas rally, threatens not to pay the crew

I’m shocked, shocked that anyone thought he planned to pay the crew.

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ power hangs in the balance amid investigations and lawsuits

Damn, it sure looks like Combs has gone from P Diddy to ‘P Did It!’

President Biden delivered critical intelligence to Israel that helped secure the rescue of the four hostages

While Trump will help free a ‘Wall Street Journal’ reporter in Russia 12 years from now.

Snoop Dogg celebrates 27 years of marriage with wife Shante Broadus

The 27-year anniversary gift is sculpture. Good for Snoop, he’s already stoned.

Robert De Niro is stripped of award after Trump takedown at courthouse

De Niro: You won’t be talking to me. You won’t be talking to me? You see anyone else for you talk to?’

Elon Musk had sex with SpaceX worker who began as intern, asked another to have his babies

… You can’t spell XXX without an X.

Texas man dies after being electrocuted in jacuzzi at Mexican resort

… No word if Ted Cruz’s wife has an alibi.

The fast-food industry claims the California minimum wage law is costing jobs. It’s numbers are fake

The people who think that also believe the McRib is an actual rib…

Rob Schneider booted mid-set from stage in Canada after attendees walk out

But, they probably did it politely.

Hunter Biden found guilty on all gun charges

This makes Hunter the first white guy in history that Republicans wanted to disarm.

Dick Van Dyke wins Emmy at 98

Or, as he’s also known amongst the more politically correct, Penis Van Lesbian!

Billy Ray Cyrus splits with wife, Firerose, reportedly alleging fraud

I’m guessing she achy breakied his bank account.

Trump says only a ‘psycho’ would call war dead ‘suckers and losers’

… So, he confessed…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)