Clarence Thomas as Running Mate: Trump

Trump has floated many VP candidate choices, but his latest is a shocker: Clarence Thomas as running mate.

Since announcing his third run for the presidency in Nov. 2022, former President Donald J. Trump has floated many candidates as his possible VP choice. His latest shocker: Clarence Thomas as running mate.

In acknowledgement of this year’s Juneteenth celebration, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee announced he is sending out feelers to Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Clarence “Easy Money” Thomas, a nominal Black man, to climb aboard as his vice-presidential running mate. This is seen by insiders as an overture to Trump’s alt-right base.

Thomas reportedly has balked, however, expressing concern over the decreased earning power of the VP role as compared to his position on the Court. Associate Justices earned some $274,200 in 2023, whereas the vice president took home just $230,700.

In addition to his nominal income, Thomas has, according to Pro Publica, accepted gifts from boosters in the amount of $4 million since his arrival on the Court in 1991. “That dog won’t hunt,” snapped the jurist at an impromptu press conference held outside his RV in the parking lot of a Washington D.C. Walmart. “I mean,” Thomas went on, “I gots billionaire sugar daddies waitin’ in line to take me and the old lady to Bali and Tahiti, Fiji, the Canary Islands… why I want to give that up?” he asked moodily.

“At SCOTUS,” he continued, “I work jus’ seven days a month, and then it’s vacation time ever’ weekend! All you do as vice president is go to damn funerals an’ wait for the Big Guy to die.”

Article II, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution provides that the vice president meet the same qualifications as the president. There are no restrictions respecting education, gender or race; the candidate must be 35 years of age, an American citizen and have spent at least 14 years in the United States. Vice President Kamala Harris said on Meet the Press last Sunday that she has “documentary proof” that Thomas is not an American citizen, but the proof has so far not been forthcoming.

Seeking to allay Thomas’s reservations, Trump reportedly told him that assuming the VP moniker is an invitation to “Gravyland,” and that he will enrich himself “like a white man.” Thomas reportedly perked up at this. “The current term of the Court ends in just a few days,” said Trump, “and then it’s a straight shot to the end of October, when the next term starts. Clarence can take a leave of absence from the Court for the remaining two weeks as we campaign.” Thomas has remarked to friends that he anticipates an excursion to Borneo in August.

If Thomas were to win, however, he would of course have to resign from one of the positions. This would work to Trump’s benefit, in that he would instantly nominate a replacement more in line with his ideology. Such candidates are said to include ex-aide Steve Bannon, daughter Ivanka Trump, disbarred attorney George Eastman and various other fascists recommended by the Heritage Foundation. “It’s a win-win,” said Trump.

Author
Recent Posts

Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.