Arnold Schwarzenegger on Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarznegger and Maria Schriver. Photo: Silvia Cestari, Public Domain.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Glad to be here. Being in the bodybuilding business, I’ve worked with lots of dumbbells.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Wienerschnitzel.

ARNOLD

I’m Austrian. Not German.

JERRY

(game show voice) I’m glad you clarified that point, Arnold. For $64,000, what do Austrian girls and wine have in common?

ARNOLD

(thinks) I should know this one. Me? No. That can’t be right. Girls, wine…hmmm. I give up.

JERRY

Both mature in a cellar. Sorry you lost, big fella. But you’re not going home empty handed. Here’s lederhosen and an Alpine hat. Go find Hansel and Gretel.

ARNOLD

Okay.

JERRY

Wait. You’ll need to defend yourself.

ARNOLD

Why?

JERRY

You knocked up your maid while you were married to Maria Shriver. And she had the baby named Joseph.

ARNOLD

It wasn’t like you think. I was sitting naked on the bed and the maid walked in…finally. Things happened and so on and so forth.

JERRY

You hid your affair for 14 years. Then Maria kicked you out of the house in 2011 when you fessed up.

ARNOLD

Yes. But I warned her I’m The Terminator.

JERRY

What’s the difference between The Terminator and your dad?

ARNOLD

The Terminator wasn’t a Nazi?

JERRY

No. The Terminator will be back.

JERRY

Just a minute, I have a call coming in from your maid Mildred Baena.

MILDRED BAENA

Big Shvanzschlonger.

ARNOLD

It’s pronounced Schwarzenegger.

MILDRED

I never use the ‘n’ word.

ARNOLD

My last name isn’t derogatory, Senorita.

JERRY

Mildred. Accept the fact his name is ridiculous, just like the night you two cheated.

MILDRED

Yo era estupida. I was stupid. My boy was raised without a father. I had to explain for 13 years that the stork delivered him.

JERRY

If the stork delivers babies, what bird prevents pregnancies?

ARNOLD

I don’t have time for this nonsense. The check is in the mail, Mildred. Hasta la vista, baby.

JERRY

Bye girl.

ARNOLD

Ask me about my accomplishments, Duncan. Mr. Universe at age 15, Mr. Olympia 7 times. Action movie star in Total Recall, True Lies, Conan the Barbarian. And I did a few comedies including Twins with tiny toon Danny DeVito.

JERRY

It’s fun to make fun of short people, right? The jokes go over their head.

JERRY

Let’s get serious. How about the disastrous years when you were the Republican Governor of California from 2003-11? You left the state budget in the red.

ARNOLD

It’s not my fault. I asked the state treasurer to check my balance, so he pushed me.

JERRY

Always an excuse. Arnold Schwarzenegger everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.