Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Glad to be here. Being in the bodybuilding business, I’ve worked with lots of dumbbells.
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Wienerschnitzel.
ARNOLD
I’m Austrian. Not German.
JERRY
(game show voice) I’m glad you clarified that point, Arnold. For $64,000, what do Austrian girls and wine have in common?
ARNOLD
(thinks) I should know this one. Me? No. That can’t be right. Girls, wine…hmmm. I give up.
JERRY
Both mature in a cellar. Sorry you lost, big fella. But you’re not going home empty handed. Here’s lederhosen and an Alpine hat. Go find Hansel and Gretel.
ARNOLD
Okay.
JERRY
Wait. You’ll need to defend yourself.
ARNOLD
Why?
JERRY
You knocked up your maid while you were married to Maria Shriver. And she had the baby named Joseph.
ARNOLD
It wasn’t like you think. I was sitting naked on the bed and the maid walked in…finally. Things happened and so on and so forth.
JERRY
You hid your affair for 14 years. Then Maria kicked you out of the house in 2011 when you fessed up.
ARNOLD
Yes. But I warned her I’m The Terminator.
JERRY
What’s the difference between The Terminator and your dad?
ARNOLD
The Terminator wasn’t a Nazi?
JERRY
No. The Terminator will be back.
JERRY
Just a minute, I have a call coming in from your maid Mildred Baena.
MILDRED BAENA
Big Shvanzschlonger.
ARNOLD
It’s pronounced Schwarzenegger.
MILDRED
I never use the ‘n’ word.
ARNOLD
My last name isn’t derogatory, Senorita.
JERRY
Mildred. Accept the fact his name is ridiculous, just like the night you two cheated.
MILDRED
Yo era estupida. I was stupid. My boy was raised without a father. I had to explain for 13 years that the stork delivered him.
JERRY
If the stork delivers babies, what bird prevents pregnancies?
ARNOLD
I don’t have time for this nonsense. The check is in the mail, Mildred. Hasta la vista, baby.
JERRY
Bye girl.
ARNOLD
Ask me about my accomplishments, Duncan. Mr. Universe at age 15, Mr. Olympia 7 times. Action movie star in Total Recall, True Lies, Conan the Barbarian. And I did a few comedies including Twins with tiny toon Danny DeVito.
JERRY
It’s fun to make fun of short people, right? The jokes go over their head.
JERRY
Let’s get serious. How about the disastrous years when you were the Republican Governor of California from 2003-11? You left the state budget in the red.
ARNOLD
It’s not my fault. I asked the state treasurer to check my balance, so he pushed me.
JERRY
Always an excuse. Arnold Schwarzenegger everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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