[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Promotes Cage Matches Between Migrants and ‘Regular’ Americans

Trump told a rally crowd that migrants should “fight to the death” in a proposed series of Steel Cage Matches.

During a campaign rally at Philadelphia’s Temple University Saturday night, former President Donald J. Trump recounted his suggestion to Dana White, president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, that White should start a series of “cage matches” featuring migrants who, he said, are “dangerously violent criminals” and are “poisoning the blood of our country.”

Cage Matches
Cage Matches photo: Simon Q, Wikipedia, CC BY 2.0. https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=24516019

The UFC is a forum for mixed martial arts and is sponsored by the National Caucasian Coalition, which is headquartered in Charlottesville, Virginia. The NCC also promotes cockfights, alligator-wrestling and its merchandise is featured on TrumpStore.com.

Trump told the crowd that migrants should “fight to the death” in a proposed series of Steel Cage Matches, pitting the illegals against “nigras and Democrats.” Gaming accommodations are available via FanDuel. Trump went on to suggest that combatants be outfitted with nets and tridents and swords and shields.

Trump seized this opportunity to reiterate policy changes as set out in the 1000-page handbook prepared for Project 2025, a guideline for a second Trump administration.

“First of all,” barked Trump, “we’re going to implement compulsory sterilization for serious crimes, “including mail-in voting, consorting with undesirables and blatant violations of decorum,” which Trump indicated would be “broadly interpreted.”

“These violent criminals,” said Trump, referencing illegals, “come from prisons and mental institutions.” The ex-president added that many illegal migrants have been secreted in state prisons in New York, in hopes of “taking me out” in the event of his incarceration.

Trump told the gathering that “together, we stood up to the communists, Marxists and fascists” as no other administration has done and that Trump himself has “wounds all over my body” to show for it. He then rolled up his cuffs to reveal stigmata he said he’d psychically received when he was figuratively “up on the cross for all you Christians.”

As Trump concluded his remarks, young men dressed in brown shirts and jackboots skirted the crowd, hawking Trump Bibles and gilded high top “Never Surrender” sneakers.

Bill Tope
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