Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the “Benifer” marriage, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Benifer watch: Jennifer Lopez seen vacationing on a boat without Ben Affleck

And no one’s seen Pete Davidson. Hmmm…

UK Poll: Tories about as popular as Ebola

Ebola demands a recount.

Diabetics: Do this one thing before eating Krispy Kreme

Uh, estate planning?

Big Oil sees record profits under Biden

… While record amounts of gas have been reported by people sitting behind Trump.

Justin Timberlake gets ticketed with a DWI

Fortunately, if they lift his license, the other members of N’Sync have separate times off from their shifts at Macaroni Grill to drive him around.

Man attacked by 300-pound alligator thought it was dead

Or, one of Shaquille O’Neal’s shoes.

Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch marries for fifth time

They registered at ‘Death Bed, Walk in Bath, and the Great Beyond!’

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s conspiracy of ravens’

… Not to be confused with his ‘ravin’ conspiracies …’

Tiger Woods given special PGA Tour exemption for ‘exceptional lifetime achievement’

Look for the same from Demolition Derby.

Mexico just hit a searing 52°C (125.6°F), which was the highest temperature ever recorded in Mexico

Word is, Mexico’s going to build a giant fan and make the U.S pay for it.

Armie Hammer says cannibalism accusations caused a ‘career death,’ but he’s ‘grateful for every single bit of it’

And, apparently, seconds …

A GOP lawmaker was arrested after chasing a stripper with a gun in the middle of the night

In fairness, she was flashing two 45s!

Prince William dances like no one’s watching to Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’ at Eras Tour in London

While Prince Andrew dances like he’s under constant police surveillance.

A Russian submarine that left Cuba appears to be ‘falling apart’ with its soundproofing panels falling off, analyst says

… Oh, Crimea River …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)