Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about bears, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bears takes up residence outside family’s home

Well, if you build it to look like a picnic basket …

Mark Hamill trolls Lauren Boebert with blunt reminder of most embarrassing moment

So, Luke Skywalker is making fun of Hands Solo!

Snoop Dogg delivers mic drop moments at US trials as 52-year-old runs 200m in 34.44 seconds

Let’s face it, It wasn’t the first time Snoop was caught smokin’.

Biden says Trump has the morals of an ‘alley cat’

… Pissing off alley cats.

Once-in-a-lifetime Nova will appear in Earth’s sky

Here’s how to spot it. The Chevy has expired plates and only AM radio …

Ethics probe into Matt Gaetz now reviewing allegations of sexual misconduct and illicit drug use

Matt’s too busy to respond … What, with school out for summer.

Happy 76th birthday, Clarence Thomas?

What do you get the guy who’ll take anything?

Bronny James drafted by the Lakers

Every day will now be ‘take your kid to work day’ for the Lakers.

The average age of American millionaires rose to 61 in 2022 from 57 in 1992

So, they’re getting rich the old-fashioned way … through inheritance.

Tensions increases between Russia and its neighbors

Hey, Russia, leave the Palins alone!

Ben Carson spoke at Blacks for Trump event made up of mostly white people

So, for Ben, it was like a Trump Cabinet meeting!

A Body Cam vid showed Baltimore police planting drugs

On the upside, they brought enough for everyone.

Expanding heat dome has 100 million people in 27 states bracing for extreme temperatures

And Ted Cruz’s dad heading back to the grassy knoll — for the shade!

Elon Musk reportedly welcomed another baby with Shivon Zilis, his 12th overall

Nick Cannon: “Hold my Pampers …”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)