Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Larry the Cat, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Chief Mouser’ Larry the Cat welcomes his 6th UK Prime Minister to 10 Downing

… Or, as he’s also known ‘009 Lives.’

Historically unpopular Supreme Court made a historically unpopular decision

Supreme Court used to be the court of last resort. For Clarence Thomas it’s the court of free five-star resorts.

6 takeaways from Biden’s high-stakes interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos

Number one: Passing the first test — pronouncing Stephanopoulos correctly.

America celebrates 248th birthday on Independence Day

Or, as Canada calls it, “Noisy Fu***in’ Downstairs Neighbors Won’t Shut Up Day.”

Record setting heat will continue to torment millions of Americans

How hot is it? It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Brooke Burke urges women over 50 to add 1 thing to workout routine

Y’all gonna wear out Pete Davidson.

Six Flags Roaring Rapids ride malfunction leads guests to leap into the water

And then swim to the nearest injury attorney…

Roman punishment for adultery was often amputation of the nose

So, those sculptures in museums aren’t actually broken, they’re accurate.

Patrick Bertoletti won the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest

… An actual event where THC is a performance enhancer

Steve Bannon’s inmate number: 05635-509

The winning number for being BLOTTO.

The North Korean Internet shut down

It seems someone cut the string between the two tin cans.

Happy 77th Birthday, Larry David

Or, Bernie Sanders or Christopher Lloyd. You’re all the same person, right?

Megyn Kelly blasts Jill Biden

Megyn oughta change her name to Karyn.

U.S adds 206,000 jobs in June

… Although, most of those went to family members of LeBron’s hired by the Lakers.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)