Nefarious Stephen Miller: The Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the nefarious Stephen Miller, former senior advisor to ex-president Donald Trump.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not a chance. Today on the show my guest is the nefarious Stephen Miller, former White House senior advisor to ex-president Donald Trump.

STEPHEN MILLER

You’re on my enemies list, Duncan.

JERRY

Welcome to the show one of the most hated men in America. Are you related to Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels?

MILLER

Is that some kind of joke?

JERRY

No. Even Harvey Weinstein thinks you’re creepy. Question. Who is running the Bates Motel if you are here talking to me?

MILLER

In response to those tasteless remarks, I quote the great Republican Vice President Dan Quayle who famously said, “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind.”

JERRY

You grew up in a liberal Democratic household. When did you change sides?

MILLER

In high school. I started riling up my classmates by telling them all the Hispanic students should be deported if they didn’t start speaking English. Then got offers to go on conservative talk shows. I told listeners Osama bin Laden would feel welcome at Santa Monica High School.

JERRY

How did your classmates react?

MILLER

Well, there were flyers of my photo posted on all the lockers with the words, “this should scare girls from getting pregnant.”

JERRY

When did you realize you were friendless?

MILLER

Preschool. None of the kids would let me play with them in the sandbox. But I got even. There were clumps of cat turds underneath the sand, so I scooped them up with my hands and passed them out. The little monsters thought is was candy and ate it. I laughed, as they gagged and cried for mommy.

JERRY

What happened when you got older?

MILLER

I was meaner. In high school, dropped a childhood friend because he was Mexican American. I was against a student LGBT group, and started a campaign to get rid of condoms.

JERRY

You’re a prick alright. What were you thinking?

MILLER

I could be the next Archie Bunker. Have a spiritual connection to the man.

JERRY

Okay, Meathead. Let’s talk about your college days.

MILLER

I went to to Duke University. Wanted to get away from California. One of the first things I did was write in the school newspaper that poet Maya Angelou had radical paranoia. Duncan, I’ve learned more things about African Americans on a men’s room stall than her gibberish.

JERRY

You have Trump’s ear. I mean what’s left of it after last weekend.

MILLER

Yeah. I still work for him.

JERRY

In 2017, you were the reason the Trumpster changed his mind about DACA before the government shutdown.

MILLER

We think alike. You ain’t seen nothing yet if Trump is elected president again. Russia will seem like a democracy in comparison.

An intern interrupts the interview.

INTERN

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Duncan. Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders is in the hallway. He’s very agitated. Apparently, Stephen Miller is getting on his nerves.

JERRY

Send him in, scrambled brains. I like a good fight.

The sound of a door is heard closing.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

Thank you for allowing me to be here, Jerry.

JERRY

Why are you here absent-minded professor?

BERNIE

I’ve been listening to your show and disgusted by the hate coming out of the mouth of this putz Stephen Miller. The way he treats immigrants, especially Hispanics is inhumane. He wants to deport 15 million of them. Who’s going to work in the agriculture fields? Take care of our yards? Oy, no more Taco Bell or Del Taco.

MILLER

Can’t take the heat old man, then get out of politics.

BERNIE

Look, my father was an immigrant from Poland. He didn’t have a nickel when he arrived on Ellis Island in 1921.

MILLER

Then you can appreciate this. How do you sink a Polish battleship?

BERNIE

With a torpedo?

MILLER

Wrong. Put it in water.

BERNIE

Did Tucker Carlson write the joke?

MILLER

I did. Here’s another one. How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?

BERNIE

Saw the branch?

MILLER

Wave to him.

BERNIE

You must have pulled that one out of your ass.

MILLER

I have jokes for every ethnicity. I’m an equal opportunity offender.

BERNIE

You’re a spoiled brat who has a rich daddy. My old man sold paint for a living. Can you imagine? When he shook paint cans his head looked like it had Parkinson’s disease.

MILLER

Are you punishing me because I’m spoiled rotten?

BERNIE

No. I’m punishing you because you are rotten.

MILLER

(sarcastic)

Poor Bernie.

BERNIE

Yes, we were poor! So poor that if I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with. Immigrants should have a path to citizenship. And no discrimination as to who gets citizenship.

JERRY

Bernie’s right, Miller. Get off my show.

MILLER

But I want to talk about my new Trump presidential slogan Make America Hate Again.

BERNIE

Please. Can I have the last word?

JERRY

You always do.

BERNIE

Thank you. The only thing I hate besides Stephen Miller are people who don’t leave a suicide note. Would it kill them to write a few sentences?

JERRY

Stephen Miller and Senator Bernie Sanders. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.