Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the nefarious Stephen Miller, former senior advisor to ex-president Donald Trump.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not a chance. Today on the show my guest is the nefarious Stephen Miller, former White House senior advisor to ex-president Donald Trump.
STEPHEN MILLER
You’re on my enemies list, Duncan.
JERRY
Welcome to the show one of the most hated men in America. Are you related to Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels?
MILLER
Is that some kind of joke?
JERRY
No. Even Harvey Weinstein thinks you’re creepy. Question. Who is running the Bates Motel if you are here talking to me?
MILLER
In response to those tasteless remarks, I quote the great Republican Vice President Dan Quayle who famously said, “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind.”
JERRY
You grew up in a liberal Democratic household. When did you change sides?
MILLER
In high school. I started riling up my classmates by telling them all the Hispanic students should be deported if they didn’t start speaking English. Then got offers to go on conservative talk shows. I told listeners Osama bin Laden would feel welcome at Santa Monica High School.
JERRY
How did your classmates react?
MILLER
Well, there were flyers of my photo posted on all the lockers with the words, “this should scare girls from getting pregnant.”
JERRY
When did you realize you were friendless?
MILLER
Preschool. None of the kids would let me play with them in the sandbox. But I got even. There were clumps of cat turds underneath the sand, so I scooped them up with my hands and passed them out. The little monsters thought is was candy and ate it. I laughed, as they gagged and cried for mommy.
JERRY
What happened when you got older?
MILLER
I was meaner. In high school, dropped a childhood friend because he was Mexican American. I was against a student LGBT group, and started a campaign to get rid of condoms.
JERRY
You’re a prick alright. What were you thinking?
MILLER
I could be the next Archie Bunker. Have a spiritual connection to the man.
JERRY
Okay, Meathead. Let’s talk about your college days.
MILLER
I went to to Duke University. Wanted to get away from California. One of the first things I did was write in the school newspaper that poet Maya Angelou had radical paranoia. Duncan, I’ve learned more things about African Americans on a men’s room stall than her gibberish.
JERRY
You have Trump’s ear. I mean what’s left of it after last weekend.
MILLER
Yeah. I still work for him.
JERRY
In 2017, you were the reason the Trumpster changed his mind about DACA before the government shutdown.
MILLER
We think alike. You ain’t seen nothing yet if Trump is elected president again. Russia will seem like a democracy in comparison.
An intern interrupts the interview.
INTERN
Sorry to bother you, Mr. Duncan. Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders is in the hallway. He’s very agitated. Apparently, Stephen Miller is getting on his nerves.
JERRY
Send him in, scrambled brains. I like a good fight.
The sound of a door is heard closing.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Thank you for allowing me to be here, Jerry.
JERRY
Why are you here absent-minded professor?
BERNIE
I’ve been listening to your show and disgusted by the hate coming out of the mouth of this putz Stephen Miller. The way he treats immigrants, especially Hispanics is inhumane. He wants to deport 15 million of them. Who’s going to work in the agriculture fields? Take care of our yards? Oy, no more Taco Bell or Del Taco.
MILLER
Can’t take the heat old man, then get out of politics.
BERNIE
Look, my father was an immigrant from Poland. He didn’t have a nickel when he arrived on Ellis Island in 1921.
MILLER
Then you can appreciate this. How do you sink a Polish battleship?
BERNIE
With a torpedo?
MILLER
Wrong. Put it in water.
BERNIE
Did Tucker Carlson write the joke?
MILLER
I did. Here’s another one. How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?
BERNIE
Saw the branch?
MILLER
Wave to him.
BERNIE
You must have pulled that one out of your ass.
MILLER
I have jokes for every ethnicity. I’m an equal opportunity offender.
BERNIE
You’re a spoiled brat who has a rich daddy. My old man sold paint for a living. Can you imagine? When he shook paint cans his head looked like it had Parkinson’s disease.
MILLER
Are you punishing me because I’m spoiled rotten?
BERNIE
No. I’m punishing you because you are rotten.
MILLER
(sarcastic)
Poor Bernie.
BERNIE
Yes, we were poor! So poor that if I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with. Immigrants should have a path to citizenship. And no discrimination as to who gets citizenship.
JERRY
Bernie’s right, Miller. Get off my show.
MILLER
But I want to talk about my new Trump presidential slogan Make America Hate Again.
BERNIE
Please. Can I have the last word?
JERRY
You always do.
BERNIE
Thank you. The only thing I hate besides Stephen Miller are people who don’t leave a suicide note. Would it kill them to write a few sentences?
JERRY
Stephen Miller and Senator Bernie Sanders. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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