House Democrats discuss the possibility of nominating a new old candidate to replace Biden and save democracy.
As public support for Biden plummets after his catastrophic debate performance two weeks ago, House Democrats met earlier this week to discuss the possibility of nominating a new candidate to replace Biden and save democracy.
According to a Democratic staffer who spoke to the Humor Times on the condition of anonymity, Democratic leaders have decided to exhume the body of Abraham Lincoln to replace Biden as their nominee.
“He’s just got so much more vitality than Biden,” House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries told reporters at a press conference after the meeting of Democratic Caucus members. “Sure he’s been dead for almost 200 years, but there’s a youthful energy behind his eyes that I honestly think Biden hasn’t had for years.”
Democratic insiders considered nominating Queen Elizabeth or the mummified body of Tutankhamun, but their ultimate decision to nominate Lincoln has already paid dividends. Funding from Democratic donors surged, with campaign donations reaching $50 million in just three hours after the announcement.
Abraham Lincoln was seen meeting with House Democrats on the Hill following the announcement. Although appearing slightly disheveled, reeking of decayed flesh, and wearing a tattered top hat with a somewhat unstylish, gaping hole in the back, Lincoln offered a hopeful message to Democratic voters.
“Seven-score and 19 years ago, I was forced to step aside from the hallowed grounds of the White House,” Lincoln said. “But I am back, I am ready to win, and I’m finally going to have a full second term.”
“I promise you that the House will stand united, and it will not fall!” He added.
Asked why he switched parties from Republican to Democrat, Lincoln’s remains said, “I haven’t ever seen so many bigots in one party as the Republicans have in their party today… and that’s saying something because half the county were Confederates during my 1864 campaign.”
President Biden’s spokesperson initially denied reports that the President was being replaced as the party’s nominee. But later that day, Biden’s spokesperson resigned from the Biden-Harris campaign and accepted a top position on the Lincoln-Roosevelt campaign team.
“I am thrilled to announce I am joining the team of a nominee who actually has enough energy to win,” the former Biden spokesperson said.
However, Biden has yet to acknowledge that he has been replaced.
“I’m not stepping down, and who is this Lincoln guy anyway?” Biden mumbled to reporters before being handed a U.S. history textbook to jog his memory.
“I still have no idea,” Biden added minutes after attempting to skim the textbook’s pages but failing due to a lack of readers on hand. “It just feels like they nominated the first person they saw on the street. And only God almighty knows why they chose some random guy with no political experience. Frankly, it’s a whole bunch of malarkey.”
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