Breaking! Biden: 'I'm Back in the Race!'

President Joe Biden reverses course, says he’s “back in the race for president!”

In a statement that took everybody by surprise, President Joe Biden announced from the Oval Office Wednesday night that he is “back in the race for president” and intends to “kick Donald Trump’s ass!” This comes after Biden’s announcement three days ago that he would not seek reelection and that Vice President Kamala Harris “has my endorsement and full support.”

back in the race, Biden and Obama — Biden says he’s back in the race, and might even pick Obama as his running mate. Photo by Pat Kight, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/

Kamala Harris was unavailable for comment.

Biden said that concerns for his health, stamina and alertness “are all overblown,” and that he has been partaking in a therapeutic regimen of amphetamine, Viagra, and Balance of Nature nutritional supplements and “now I have my mind right.” He noted that he has also taken out a home equity loan from Tom Selleck. “I listen to TV,” he announced cagily.

Contacted at the 9th tee at Mar-a-Lago, former President Donald J. Trump said he felt “invigorated” by the news that “Crooked Joe” was his opponent once again, and he drove 40 yards off the tee. Picking the ball off the fairway, he tossed it 50 yards further, citing “executive privilege.”

“I knew that if I had to run against that black chick,” muttered Trump, “that the left would mobilize the progressives, the liberals, the mulattoes, the fruits, the vermin.” He shook his head. “It’s sad,” he said.

Trump’s victory, said the ex-president, “will close the book on the Biden Crime Family. Next stop,” said Trump, “is Guantanamo.” Asked what he thought couldl have motivated Biden’s change of heart, Trump replied that “Old Joe is waxing nostalgic; he’s living in the past, he’s cuckoo for Cocoa Nuts.”

Meanwhile, an overwhelming number of delegates to the Democratic National Convention have committed their support to Vice President Harris. What’s next? “If it were me,” said Trump, “and I was Kamala Harris, I’d get even!”

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.