Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about exploding soda cans on Southwest flights, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Summer heat is causing exploding soda cans on Southwest flights

Fortunately, everyone’s luggage is safe and on a different plane!

Act Blue rakes in nearly $50 million in 7 hours after Harris campaign launch

Damn, the Act Blue donation site is almost as busy as Grinder during the Republican Convention.

Tadej Pogacar leads the Tour de France after a stage 20 win

… But remember, it ain’t over until the skinny guy pees in the cup!

World reaction: Russia blames Joe Biden’s administration for ‘provoking’ Trump attack

Oh, Crimea River!

America upgrades its biggest bomb

… Expect in theaters this fall a 3D, IMAX version of ‘Ishtar.’

9 signs you may have hyperactive-impulsive type Adult ADHD

… If you’re still reading this, you probably don’t.

Judge throws out case against Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin’s case getting thrown out is about as close as it gets to Trump winning in court!

Man awakens from 12-year coma

… That’s right, he finally shut off FOX News.

Happy 84th Birthday, Ringo Starr

… Well, from everyone, except Pete Best.

Tiger Woods misses cut with worst ever British Open score

If Tiger had fallen any further back, he’d be on the leaderboard for next week’s tournament.

Videos show Trump asleep during 2024 Republican National Convention

… That would explain the little pillow on side of his head.

Courteney Cox uses this popular anti-aging tool

Oh, just call it by its name ‘Photoshop.’

Ruth Westheimer, expert on everything about sex, dies at 96

Little known fact, her first radio show was broadcast from 30 Rock Hard Studios. God speed.

Trump’s economic plan would be a disaster for the US Economy: Moody’s

In fact, Moody’s said if he’s elected they’ll change their name from Moody’s to ‘Totally Depressed.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)