Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about exploding soda cans on Southwest flights, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
![exploding soda cans](https://www.humortimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/PicSouthwest-e1721676323689.webp)
Summer heat is causing exploding soda cans on Southwest flights
Fortunately, everyone’s luggage is safe and on a different plane!
Act Blue rakes in nearly $50 million in 7 hours after Harris campaign launch
Damn, the Act Blue donation site is almost as busy as Grinder during the Republican Convention.
Tadej Pogacar leads the Tour de France after a stage 20 win
… But remember, it ain’t over until the skinny guy pees in the cup!
World reaction: Russia blames Joe Biden’s administration for ‘provoking’ Trump attack
Oh, Crimea River!
America upgrades its biggest bomb
… Expect in theaters this fall a 3D, IMAX version of ‘Ishtar.’
9 signs you may have hyperactive-impulsive type Adult ADHD
… If you’re still reading this, you probably don’t.
Judge throws out case against Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin’s case getting thrown out is about as close as it gets to Trump winning in court!
Man awakens from 12-year coma
… That’s right, he finally shut off FOX News.
Happy 84th Birthday, Ringo Starr
… Well, from everyone, except Pete Best.
Tiger Woods misses cut with worst ever British Open score
If Tiger had fallen any further back, he’d be on the leaderboard for next week’s tournament.
Videos show Trump asleep during 2024 Republican National Convention
… That would explain the little pillow on side of his head.
Courteney Cox uses this popular anti-aging tool
Oh, just call it by its name ‘Photoshop.’
Ruth Westheimer, expert on everything about sex, dies at 96
Little known fact, her first radio show was broadcast from 30 Rock Hard Studios. God speed.
Trump’s economic plan would be a disaster for the US Economy: Moody’s
In fact, Moody’s said if he’s elected they’ll change their name from Moody’s to ‘Totally Depressed.’
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/2/24 - September 2, 2024
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/27/24 - August 27, 2024
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/19/24 - August 19, 2024