JD Vance: Jerry Duncan Show Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Vice President nominee for the Republican Party J.D. Vance

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is Ohio Senator and Vice President nominee for the Republican Party J.D. Vance.

SENATOR JD VANCE

Don’t forget 2020 election denier.

JERRY

And conspiracy nut.

VANCE

No, Duncan. Do you know the Mars Rover was abducted by space aliens? All that footage you saw on TV was filmed in a Hollywood studio.

JERRY

(game show voice) I’m glad you said that because it’s time to play Pick Your Conspiracy.

VANCE

Right up my alley. I’m a natural born liar.

JERRY

I will ask three questions. Each one pertaining to a conspiracy. You need to tell me who the person is that said it. Each answer is worth $100. If you get two out of three correct, there is a bonus of $1,000. Two wrong answers and the game is over. Are you ready?

VANCE

Yessir!

JERRY

Question number one for $100. Who urged Congress to reject electoral college votes inside the Capitol on January 6, 2021, and helped mobilize the mob outside?

VANCE

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

JERRY

Wrong. It was Donald Trump.

VANCE

Sounds like something I would do.

JERRY

Question number two for $100. Who smells like a sausage past its sell by date?

VANCE

Me.

JERRY

Who else could it be? You are correct for $100.

VANCE

Show me the money, Duncan. I want to make sure it isn’t fake.

JERRY

Last question. For $200 and a chance to win a $1,000 bonus. Who said, “I’m a Leninist. Lenin wanted to destroy the state, and that’s my goal, too.”

VANCE

Gosh. The answer is on the tip of my tongue. (to himself) It can’t be Frankenstein. He was born before Lenin.

JERRY

10 seconds left.

VANCE

Congressman Jim Jordan. Yeah, Jim. He’s a big anarchist and has all the charm and warmth of an elephant’s balls.

JERRY

No. It was sloppy Steve Bannon.

VANCE

Darn, of course it was. Steve never met a revolution he didn’t embrace.

JERRY

Sorry you didn’t win, but you’re going home with $100. What do you plan to do with the money?

VANCE

I’m donating it to my favorite charity—Vladimir Putin University. I like people that undermine democracy.

JERRY

I’m staring at your photo. You look like someone who has been peed on by a prostitute in a Moscow hotel room. Anyone else think so?

VANCE

Donald Trump.

JERRY

You’re just like him. Dangerous and corrupt.

VANCE

Don’t you get it, Duncan? The FBI, Department of Justice, and every government agency is part of the deep state. We’re going to eliminate the IRS and Department of Education. Staff the government with people loyal to Trump. Our national anthem will be Lee Greenwood’s cheesy song Proud To Be An American. A new American flag will fly over the U.S. Capitol with the word ‘Trump’ in red, white and blue. Millions of illegals deported. A federal ban on abortion.

JERRY

Too bad your mother didn’t believe in abortion. Many people have been here for years and are law abiding citizens. People of color will be discriminated against. Hey, your wife Usha is the daughter of immigrants from India. Are you going to deport her?

VANCE

Hmmm. I’ll let you know. I need to discuss with Tucker Carlson.

JERRY

Think about it. No more 7-Eleven stores. Just sayin.

VANCE

I grew up in a broken home. I’m still angry. My old lady was married 5 times. She was a drug addict and child abuser.

JERRY

You hated your mother.

VANCE

I did. Although mother was hooked on drugs, she was beautiful. Those lips. The eyes. That tooth.

JERRY

You’re a loyal Trumper now, but in 2016 you didn’t vote for him. Said he was “cultural heroin.” Would be “America’s Hitler.” What changed?

VANCE

Power, Duncan. Today a Senator, tomorrow a lap dog for Trump. I am willing to smell his farts after a baked bean dinner. Anything he asks. We will be rolling back the hands of time. Welcome to the 18th century. (evil laugh) Muwhahaha!

JERRY

Republican Senator J.D. Vance. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.