The adult baby had only one serious competitor, fellow Floridian Donald Trump, with his “Witch Hunt” routine.
SARASOTA, FL — In the end, it was Stuart Walters’ floor exercise that punched his ticket to Paris and earned him a place on the United States National Whining Team. His ninety second display of foot stomping, arm flailing and breath holding annoyed the panel of judges so much that the adult baby was awarded a perfect score of 10.
Unfortunately, he was penalized three tenths of a point when opponent Milt Bradley of Nashville complained about Walters’ routine exceeding the time limit when he refused to simmer down. However, the penalty wasn’t enough to prevent the Florida native from securing the top spot in this year’s Playskool Whining Nationals.
First introduced in the Winter Olympics two years ago, the competition only drew four countries to compete for three medals, while the other countries complained about the cold weather. Reintroduced in the upcoming summer Olympiad, the event’s expected participants has only doubled. While most of the absentee countries complain about having a stomach ache, several others are whining about there being no chicken nuggets for dinner. Japan is sleepy, and France refuses to take a bath.
The 34 year old Walters, who works as a part-time freelance lawnmower operator, opened his tantrum with a litany of complaints, starting with a “My dogs are killing me.” He followed with a double “come on, man!,” a rapid-fire barrage of “this place smells funny,” then declared “these are under-cooked.” But it was the tearful “why is it always me?!” that struck a chord with the judges, and brought the capacity crowd of 17,500 to it’s feet.
“He really sold it,” offered veteran whiner Azzie Acevedo. “You could literally feel the weight of exasperation in the air. That was him. He knows how to walk that fine line between “I’m fed up” and “Woe is me.” He’s like a combination of Brando and Dangerfield. Simply amazing.”
In summoning those spirits Walters managed to take the judges on an emotional roller-coaster, testing their patience, fraying their last nerve, and dishing out last straws like calling cards, before pushing them to the brink of aggravation.
Walters only competition was that provided by fellow Floridian Donald Trump, who’s routine entitled “Witch Hunt” seemed to go off the rails early on.
Considered by many to be one of the biggest whiners of modern times, the ex-president opened with a long diatribe about “fake news,” which soon eroded into a garbled stream-of-consciousness dialog about toilets and whale-slaughtering windmills that cause cancer.
Trump also appeared very out of sync with the accompanying music, the Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil.” The judges could only giggle and point. Despite his poor performance, Trump claimed victory.
“I know more than they do,” said Trump when told that the judges felt otherwise. “This whole thing was rigged from the start. What about Hillary’s emails and Hunter’s laptop? And NATO. What about NATO?!”
While Trump continued to rail about mail-in ballots for forty minutes, Walters said very little.
“I just want to go home,” responded Walters upon receiving the news of his Olympic future.
When reached for her reaction to her son’s accomplishments, Walters’ mother would only say, “He never calls.”
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