Greg Abbott Wheelchair Controversy - Ralph Lombard, Humor Times

Texas governor defends purchase of taxpayer-funded six million dollar wheelchair.

Texas governor Greg Abbott has come under intense scrutiny for his recent purchase of a six million dollar custom-made amphibious, assault-style wheelchair. The military-grade vehicle, which Abbott has affectionately nicknamed “Rambo on wheels,” was purchased with taxpayer dollars that are normally reserved for funding Special Olympics.

“Desperate times demand desperate measures,” Abbott explained, “and our current border crisis has forced us to take action to defend ourselves against the out-of-control horde of foreigners and immigrants intent on attacking and destroying this great nation of ours.

“In the past we’ve tried to discourage these illegals with everything from inhumane legislation to expensive, self-serving political stunts, but nothing seems to work. I don’t know what’s wrong with these people! We’ve confiscated their medications as well as their legal documents. We’ve denied them water. We’ve erected razor wire fencing along the border and even deployed barbed wire buoys into the Rio Grande. But still they keep coming! Well, you know what? No more Mr. Nice Guy!”

The high-tech all-terrain vehicle can reach speeds up to 70 miles per hour on land, and up to 40 knots on the water. It features dual machine guns and tasers, as well as military-style water cannons. Grenade launchers, flame throwers and heat-seeking missiles complete it’s arsenal, with retractable spikes built into it’s tires to deal with any of those trouble-making, road-blocking protestors. It’s also equipped with strategically placed jetpacks to allow for aerial surveillance, along with the latest in thermal-imaging and night-vision technology. A seventeen-flavor pudding dispenser is also included.

“This latest weapon in our struggle to protect the border against alien invasion will allow me to take a more hands-on approach to the problem,” Abbott concluded, “and I’m sure that it will pay for itself many times over. So, as I always like to say, make my day, peon!”

In a related development, the governor is rumored to be negotiating a weekly TV reality show entitled The Six Million Dollar Paraplegic.

Author
Recent Posts

Ralph Lombard

I was born a young baby. Then I grew up. Then I grew confused. Then I grew tired. I'm a 20th century man who's somehow been transported to the 21st century, with one foot in the gone past and the other in the here now. I started my blog mymanymoodsofme toward the end of 2012. There I write humorous essays, stories and poems (lyrics from my songs), in addition to my aphorisms. It's good work... if you get it. In my spare time I play chess, write songs, and reflect upon what I see. I'm very happy to be colluding with Humor Times, and hope you enjoy the result. Cheers!