Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Snoop Dogg at the Paris Olympics, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Snoop Dogg dances with Paris Olympics Torch ahead of Opening Ceremony

If you think that’s amazing, wait until you see Snoop compete in the “I’m So High Jump.”

No, JD Vance did not say he had sex with couch cushions

But, just to be safe, Vance should have to register as a person who can’t get within a hundred feet of a furniture store!

Pence praises Biden for leaving Presidential race

Here’s a guy who likes to stay in the noose!

Monday was the world’s hottest day ever recorded — breaking Sunday’s short-lived record

How hot was it? It was so hot people listened to AC/DC just for the AC part.

Bronny finished with eight points, five rebounds, two steals and three turnovers in 27 minutes

So … a quadruple single.

Grindr reported higher usage during Republican Convention

Apparently, the Russian word for Grindr is Kompromat.

Chicago Cubs Japanese baseball player Seiya Suzuki’s interpreter dismissed by the team

… Yeah, but, who’s gonna tell Suzuki?

Trump pollster Tony Fabrizio says there will be a “Harris Honeymoon” polling period

Isn’t that the guy on the covers of romance novels? … Oh wait …

Happy 81st Birthday, Mick Jagger

You’ll always look great as long as you keep standing next to Keith Richards.

Miley Cyrus says she’s pansexual

While Bobby Flay is frying pansexual.

RIP, Lou Dobbs

Lou will be joining his career, which died several years ago!

Jenny McCarthy shuts down Donnie Wahlberg divorce rumors

Ladies, you know what that means? Guess who’s free tonight? Pete Davidson.

Senator Menendez guilty on 18 counts

And to think … 17 more and he could switch parties and be Republican nominee for President.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)

Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/28/24