Jed Clampett of Beverly Hillbillies fame aims to set the record straight, saying hillbillies are much smarter than J.D. Vance.
Beverly Hillbillies Estate, Beverly Hills, CA — Local oil tycoon and Ozark Mountain transplant Jed Clampett is not happy. The millionaire hillbilly believes that people of his kind are being mocked and misrepresented by vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance, author of “Hillbilly Elegy.” He aims to educate Americans about true hillbillies, and dispel some of the false narratives fomented by Vance.
I met with Clampett and his lawyer by the see-ment pond on his spacious estate, where a pile of wood shavings grew at his feet as he whittled.
“He couldn’t be a hillbilly if his life depended on it,” Clampett offered. “He don’t have the proper schoolin’. If you come back to the hills with a fancy eastern diploma, you ain’t likely to last long. How many chickens does he raise? When was the last time he had a plate of fresh possum stew? I betcha he uses some kind of frozen store-bought possum chitlins. No self-respecting hillbilly would ever!”
Clampett has hired the law offices of Haney, Drucker, and Ziffle of Hooterville to litigate on his behalf, the same firm that represented Kate Bradley of the Shady Rest Hotel after she and her nieces were charged with operating a brothel. The charges were later reduced to three counts of “unauthorized nude bathing in a public water source.”
“The words and actions of Mr.Vance have created an environment that ultimately leads to violations of my clients First Amendment rights. Weekly harassment by the federal revenuers disrupting the production of Granny’s ‘medicine,’ as well as heated conflicts with both the Hatfield and McCoy families has made Mr. Clampett’s life a living hell,” according to Arnold Ziffle.
Clampett is seeking punitive damages in the amount of six quarts of molasses, thirty cords of firewood, and a quarter acre of “not-too-rocky bottomland good for cabbage.”
When asked about the exorbitant fee that has been rumored, Ziffle would only say, “This case is about a man’s life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Bringing up the five goats, five chickens, and two jugs of Granny’s White Lightning Elixir simply belittles our constitution and our way of life.”
J.D. Vance is represented by Flatt & Scruggs of Nashville. “We’ll pick’em apart,” said a confident Earl Scruggs. “If we have to take it to the Supreme Court, that’s fine. My understanding is that Justice Thomas is reasonably priced.”
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