Fifth Circle of Hell: Preregister Now - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

With Armageddon fast approaching, you may now preregister for the Fifth Circle of Hell.

With Armageddon fast approaching, SNN Damnation correspondent Mortyle Synne says that you may now preregister for the Fifth Circle of Hell. Ms. Synne says that according to Hell’s Marketing and Sales director, Lucifer Junior, the 5th Hell has become more accommodating and customer friendly. Newly preregistered damned souls can bring with them earthly comfort items, such as books, DVD’s, music, food and even other people.

To preregister, simply go to hell’s website, www.hellsbells.com. You must list your name and aliases, your major life transgressions, and your soul’s VIN number (to make sure it’s not stolen).

You may bring with you one each of the following:

BOOKS: No Bibles, Korans, hymnals, Talmud, etc.

CDs: No gospel, spirituals, Gregorian Chant, etc.

DVDs: No Ben-Hur, The Ten Commandments, etc.

FOOD: No Texas Pete, Frank’s Red Hot, Habanero peppers, or Angel Food cake.

DRINK: No holy water, ice water, Mescal.

PERSON: No preachers, priests, nuns, witch doctors, politicians, professional wrestlers.

Ms. Synne also states that according to the Devil’s daughter, Ms. Lucyferre Brimstone, in the near future hell will be going digital. Just press a button and Hell will come to you.

SNN Breaking News

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SNN Words to Live By

“Winning isn’t for everyone.” — Nike TV ad.

“If you achieve a dream, go after the next dream.” — Pro Wrestler Paul Heyman.

“The prettiest women is the wickedest.” — Lucifer Jones (James Anderson), Gunsmoke, 1950’s TV series.

The Question of the Week

What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

Authors pick: The music that’s played on it.

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.