How to Spot Fake Christians - Scott Talbot Evans, Humor Times

By Scott Talbot Evans

It’s easy to tell fake Christians from real ones. Here’s a handy guide.

Real Christians respect other people’s spirituality as a sacred private relationship between themselves and God.

Fake Christians appear on Fox News screaming about how Joe Biden wants to break into your house and abort your six-year-old child.

Real Christians love love in all its forms.

Fake Christians refuse to bake a wedding cake if the figurines have the wrong pubes, which they are painfully aware of because it is totally their job to check these things, and it is their sacred duty as God’s official hall monitors.

Real Christians have compassion for people born with unusual medical conditions.

Fake Christians lurk around bathroom stalls so they can inspect people’s genitals to make sure no creeps show up.

Real Christians are open minded to new ideas.

Fake Christians pick and choose the parts of the Bible they can weaponize against people they don’t like, and enforce word for word, while ignoring the parts that are inconvenient, like the stuff in the back about not judging and forgiving.

Real Christians love unconditionally including sinners and even their enemies.

Fake Christians go to gay pride parades and curse people out with bullhorns, gritting their teeth and grimacing their faces into tight knots as they describe the torments of a never ending lake of fire that they will personally escort each and every one of them to, all the while laughing with more than just a little bit of schadenfreude.

Real Christians are tolerant of those with perspectives different from their own.

Fake Christian picket outside a children’s library, poking placards at them and screaming in their little faces that Harry Potter is witchcraft, all the while choking their blasphemous little throats with smoke inhalation from the burning copies of that Satanic, child pornographic Where the Wild Things Are.

Real Christians help those in need.

Fake Christians remain silent for four hundred years while jobs are given to white people based on race, but the second a black person gets something, all of a sudden they’re social justice warriors about nondiscrimination.

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