Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Flava Flav, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Flava Flav personally sponsored the US Women’s Water Polo Team

… And served as the timer for all their games.

Trump on Kamala: One day she was Indian… then all of a sudden, she makes a turn and she became a Black person. Somebody should look into that.

Donald, one day you were white and then all of a sudden you were orange. Someone should look into that.

ComicCon 2024 hits San Diego

They have a speed-dating booth at ComicCon. So, people can find out quickly who they won’t be having sex with.

Biden unveils his proposals to reform the Supreme Court

Or, what he calls a bunch of out of control kids …

“Help! I live next door to a noisy masturbator” — One woman asked us for advice on what to do about a loud neighbor.

First, don’t offer to lend a hand.

Trump called Jeffrey Epstein over 65 times

He only called Eric twice … both butt dials!

Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 77

Now instead of ‘I’ll be back,’ he says, ‘Ow, my back.’

Needles dethrones Phoenix as hottest U.S. city in July

Can somebody please look in on Snoopy’s brother, Spike?!

Gaetz interrupts McCarthy’s CNN interview

… Probably to find out where the closest Chuck E Cheese was.

Common anxiety may triple risk for developing dementia, study finds

Announcing this news really isn’t being helpful.

Simone Biles rakes in the Gold at Paris 2024 Gymnastic

Crazy, same people now saying Simone Biles should step aside for other gymnasts. Last Olympics we were mad when she stepped aside for the sake of other gymnasts.

Starbucks sales drop

Guess that was going to happen sooner or latte.

US Senator Menendez convicted at corruption trial

… Look for him to start trading gold bars for smokes …

The U.S. added 114,000 new jobs in July

… But all of them were in the field of Olympic Women’s Boxing competition gender experts!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)