Tim Walz: Jerry Duncan Show Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee Governor Tim Walz.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee Governor Tim Walz from the state of Minnesota.

GOVERNOR TIM WALZ

(sings from Song of the South)

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah zip-a-dee-a

My oh my, what a wonderful day.

Plenty of sunshine headed my way

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah zip-a-dee-a.

JERRY

Why are you so happy?

TIM

Trump just got tested again, and he’s still negative. IQ, not COVID-19.

JERRY

You’re 60 years old. You’ve been a high school teacher and football coach, a U.S. congressman for 12 years, an Army National Guard veteran for 24 years, and a governor for 4 years.

TIM

I’m just a regular guy raised on a farm. Worked hard, but I was careful not to say too much in the field.

JERRY

Why?

TIM

The corn has ears. I got all my gossip from a ketchup bottle. It’s a very reliable sauce.

JERRY

Tell me. What makes the Harris/Waltz team different from Trump/Vance?

TIM

We believe in the future, not the past. Where everyone can get ahead. We will not allow the middle class to pay for tax cuts to millionaires and billionaires. There needs to be affordable health care, a woman’s right to choose, and free lunches at school for kids who live in poverty.

JERRY

It’s a bummer being poor.

TIM

I can relate. Times were rough growing up. Dad kept mom pregnant so we could have milk in the house.

JERRY

How did you pay for college?

TIM

I joined the National Guard. Got an education on the GI bill.

JERRY

Breaking news. Did you hear about the accident at Fort Walker?

TIM

Nope.

JERRY

A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two kernels.

TIM

I’m pressed for time. My staff said I need to be ready for an interview on CNN in 10 minutes.

JERRY

Let me talk to them.

TIM

Okay. I’ll send a text.

The phone rings. It’s Fozzie the Bear from the Muppets.

JERRY

Go ahead. You’re on the air.

FOZZIE THE BEAR

I’m Fozzie the bear. I need to talk to the governor.

TIM

Everything okay?

FOZZIE

No. Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog called in sick.

TIM

Did you guys finish material for the rally?

FOZZIE

Yep.

TIM

Let me hear it.

FOZZIE

(reading) The other day, a MAGA Republican guy saw me eating a sub. He said, “Gimme a bite.” I said, “Okay, buddy.” And bit him.

TIM

Not bad. Wow me.

FOZZIE

(reading) Crime is down contrary to what Trump is saying. He’s right about one thing, there was an uptick in May when it added his 34 felony counts.

TIM

Very nice.

FOZZIE

(reading) Did you hear about the church in St. Paul that caught on fire?

TIM

Holy smoke!

FOZZIE

You beat me to the punch line, Gov.

TIM

Funny is in my blood, Fozz. Hey, did you pack the fart cushion? I wanna sneak it on Kamala Harris’s chair for the rally in Phoenix.

FOZZIE

Are you sure? Kamala might be embarrassed when she sits down.

TIM

Nah. She’ll have a blast.

JERRY

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz everyone. He will be appearing August 19th at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. And on August 26th at Giggles in Saugus, Massachusetts. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.