Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Simone Biles, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Simone Biles not ruling out 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles

Hey, Simone Biles, if you’re serious, get on the 101 in the next week so you’re not late for your first event!

Trump campaign played the theme from the Titanic at his rally

Makes sense, everything he touches winds up under water.

Record heat in Vegas

It’s so hot in Vegas, David Copperfield changed his name to David Coppertone.

New polls show Walz’s approval rating surging while Vance’s circles the drain

… Wait until Vance gets Taylor Swift boated.

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Kanye West threatens to leave U.S over racism

And who said no good ever came from racism?

DOJ contends Hunter Biden was hired by Romanian oligarch to ‘influence US policy‘

… Proving the old adage ‘Romania wasn’t bilked in a day…’

FBI Named British Royal in Massive Sex and Spying Scandal Documents

Stop packing, Andrew, they named Philip.

Happy 63rd birthday to former President Obama

Born sixty-three years ago on the Kenyan island of Hawaii.

Martha Stewart just carried the hands-free phone case that Cindy Crawford also wears

You’d think they’re both rich enough they wouldn’t need to share.

RFK Jr. confesses he keeps a ‘freezer full’ of roadkill, days after Central Park bear bombshell

Hey, don’t judge, you never know when the Clampetts might be coming over for dinner.

Tim Scott got married in South Carolina

People are saying he registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Belief He’s Not Gay!

Sharks off Brazil coast test positive for cocaine

Must’ve been the Hammered Head Sharks.

Disney, Fox and Warner Bros Discovery reveal price for new sports streaming service

… Welcome to America a totally fee society.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)