Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the “Hawk Tuah Girl,” doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Hawk Tuah Girl’ draws angry reaction from fans for first pitch at Mets game

Well, it was a spitball.

Trump/Musk interview crashes like a Tesla on autopilot

It was so bad the letter X should sue Elon for defamation.

Suge Knight believes FBI gave Ben Affleck compromising Jennifer Lopez footage from Diddy raids

Damn, Jlo better start worrying about being ‘Jenny from the Cell Block!’

Dow jumps 600 points, S&P and Nasdaq roar higher

So, we’ve gone from the Kamala Crash to Kamala Cash!

Airline encourages customers to join the ‘mile high club’

I’m guessing the airline was ‘Not a Virgin Airlines.’

Joe Rogan endorses RFK Jr.

Although, I, for one, am not making any decisions until we hear from Carrot Top.

Happy 81st birthday, Robert DeNiro

Now when you ask, ‘are you talking to me?’ It’s because your hearing’s going.

Former Rep. George Santos expected to plead guilty on charges related to campaign fraud

George expects to be out in time to defend his U.S. Open and Indy 500 championships.

McDonald’s rolls out biggest burger ever – 14 ounces and 1,025 calories – to revive sales

In related news, Happy Meals will come with a free defibrillator.

RIP, Famous Amos

In lieu of flowers, send flour …

Mississippi coroner advises residents to shoot burglars

In fairness, for him, it’s a darn good way to drum up business.

Fire erupts at adult entertainment theater in Orange County

The real fun begins when the pizza delivery guy shows up.

RFK Jr. says he dumped a dead bear in Central Park a decade ago

Given some other revelations, one can see why women would have felt safer in the park with a bear rather than RFK Jr, even if the bear wasn’t dead!

Kirk Cameron said being gay is unnatural

… This from a guy whose best friend on ‘Growing Pains’ was named Boner.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)