Former president Donald Trump is planning to declare victory early again, but in plenty of time this go-around.
Mar-a-Lago – Former president Donald Trump is planning to declare victory in the November 5th election by Labor Day, according to a campaign insider. The unnamed source says that the candidates advisory group is planning to use the extra time to ramp-up their opposition to the expected victory by Vice President Kamala Harris.
“We were caught a little off guard four years ago. We hope to be a more organized this cycle. We’re working on an increased number of parking permits, and we’re looking into a different caterer. We had a lot of complaints about the roast beef on the cold cut trays running out last time. We want to make sure that there isn’t a repeat.”
The source went on to explain that the counting of ballots is merely a formality, saying that the protesting and denial of the results can be initiated well in advance of the actual election day.
“We see how things are trending. We know what we have to do. Declare victory prematurely is step one. Then we move on to baseless claims of ballot-stuffing. Questioning the integrity of a select few of the minority election workers was also very effective last time.”
The weather also factored in to the timing of the victory announcement. Many of the January 6th insurrectionists complained about the freezing temperatures at the last coup. The plan this time is to schedule an overthrow sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
When told of the RNC plan, Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD) cited the previous insurrection as precedent and said it’s something the Republican Party should have considered the first time.
“With all due respect, what shit-for-brains plans a coup in D.C. in the middle of winter?! I froze my nuts off coming up the elevator from the parking garage. I can only imagine how cold it gets after a few hours of listening to that group of speakers from the clown college out on the plaza.”
Sen. Corey Booker (D-NJ) agreed. “I will recommend that my colleagues not consider validating any attempted overthrow that doesn’t follow the tradition dictated by our treasonous predecessors. If you want to smear your shit on the walls of our capital, stick to the congressional schedule for it. Stop complaining about post-holiday fatigue, and put on your big boy pants.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), in response to Booker said, “It’s obvious that the Biden crime syndicate is trying to silence their political opponents by suppressing the right to smear feces. When we prevail, the shit will fly.”
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