[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Kamala Harris ‘Gets Real’ in Sit-Down Interview

The presidential candidate has been pressured to do a sit-down interview, and obliges on Meet the Press.

For the first time in more than two months, Democratic presidential nominee Vice President Kamala D. Harris appeared for a sit-down interview with reporters. Harris met with host Kristen Walker on the storied Sunday public affairs program, Meet the Press.

sit-down interview on Meet the Press
Sit-down interview on Meet the Press. Photo: U.S. Senate, Public Domain

Vice President Harris, since announcing your candidacy a month ago, you have made great strides in fund-raising and grass roots support. Why do you think that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is hanging on so persistently to about half the support of the electorate?

Kristen, let’s get real. Clearly, it’s because the bar of acceptable behavior is set so much lower for the ex-president than it is for me.

Could you give an example?

Yes. I have been ridiculed for my laugh. I have been accused of “spreading too much joy” in my campaign. And I have been pilloried for things that were clearly not my fault, but that of the old man! Trump, on the other hand, receives plaudits so long as he doesn’t masturbate on national television. It’s not fair, Kristen.

Madam Vice President, do you seriously consider that latter scenario a possibility?

(Grinning) It’s a very minute consideration.

If you are elected president, do you think that there will be a peaceful transition of power?

You think you just fell out of a coconut tree?

Hmm?

You plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Ah. Madam Vice President, what’s in store for the nation in the first 100 days of a Kamala Harris Administration?


I’m happy you asked that question, Kristen. On Day One, we’re going to nationalize the 30 million illegal immigrants in this country, give them Social Security, Food Stamps, Obama Care and a Democrat Voter’s Registration Card.

Next, we’ll declare the internal combustion engine illegal and mandate electric cars for the future. Then we’ll install a wind turbine every 500 feet in the Continental United States (And kill lots of birds!). And we’ll use Imminent Domain to seize Mar-a-Lago, Bedminster and Trump Tower and convert them into stateside equivalents of the Guantanamo Bay prison facility.

And finally, I’ll do pretty much anything the hell I please, with my loins girded with presidential immunity. (Here the VP issues a wink and a shrill giggle).

What are your plans on the international scene: Gaza, Israel, Russia, Ukraine, North Korea?


First, Gaza will become the third non-contiguous U.S. state. We’ll purge the zone of Jews — I really hate Jews, you know — and then, stateside, we’ll seize all the space lasers amassed by the damned Rothschilds. They shoulda’ stuck to making wine, you ask me.

Russia and Ukraine?

As far as Vladimir Putin is concerned, serious action is indicated. As a matter of fact, I’m inclined to ring his doorbell and run!

And North Korea?

I haven’t decided yet. You know, I kinda like Little Rocket Man! (She gets a dreamy look on her face).

Madam Vice President, have you given much thought to the composition of your cabinet in a Harris Administration?

I have, Kristen. It may surprise some people, but in the four weeks since the old guy bowed out — finally! — I’ve been in touch with a politician who is very sympathetic with what I hope to accomplish. I speak, of course, of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA). I will put her in charge of Homeland Security, where she will nip this space laser business in the bud! I foresee great things for MTG!

I don’t know what it’ll be yet, but I have to find a spot for RFK Jr., too. I told Bobby that, if he endorsed Trump, I would give him a job in my administration. Perhaps as Secretary of Conspiracies….?

What actions do you anticipate you’ll take in regard to the Supreme Court?


I’ll stack the Court like a deck of cards, Kristen. I’ll add ten or twelve justices, and I won’t stop there. Insiders suggest I may have to replace at least two justices — Thomas and Alito.

Who do you suppose you might replace them with?


Well, for Thomas, Michel Duke, the outgoing CEO of Walmart, comes immediately to mind. He’s stepping down this year and will be in search of a profitable new position. He earns nearly $7,000 per hour, far and above the $8.98 per hour average wage of his workers. I’m not sure if he knows Harlan Crow yet.

That’s the kind of goal-directed avarice we need to replace “Lumpy.” And as far as Alito, that’s a different kettle of fish; he’s not nearly so greedy as Thomas. But, he is authoritarian. So maybe I can lure Elon Musk away from X to serve. I know he’s not a lawyer, but he is an expert on greedy, wealthy people, which after all, is what the Court rules in behalf of.

Former President Trump has made this election very personal with attacks on you. (Harris nods). There are even reports that he referred to you by the N-word. What is your reaction?


I have a strong reaction to the whole issue of invective, on many levels. Referring to a word in code is childish. Everyone knows what “N-word” refers to. Such a coded reference only serves to enhance its gravity, its importance, and to make it even more hurtful.

The word to which it refers should never be used; but, why employ the veiled reference in the first place? Shall it be like Voldemort, the one who must never be named? Real-word literary references exist and are used with impunity, for child rapists, elder abusers, cannibals, which are at least as despicable as “nigger.” There, I’m said it. So sue me.

Moreover, when musicians use the word willy-nilly, are we saying that only young Black millionaires can use it, but others, who likewise had no part in the tragedy of human slavery, cannot? Two-tiered rights are a slippery slope and no one wins.

Whew!

Bill Tope
Share
Share