Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the breakup of Bennifer doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bennifer breakup: Jennifer Lopez files to drop ‘Affleck’ last name

Look for her to sell it on eBay as barely used.

Trump spent the weekend flying around America on a plane previously owned by Jeffrey Epstein

In fairness, he probably was just using up those frequent flyer miles!

NYC sees surge in synthetic pot use

… And, the desire to listen to ‘Grateful Dead’ cover bands.

Democrats unite in Chicago to nominate Kamala Harris for President

The Democrats official cheer should be ‘Hip, hip array!’

Volcano erupts in Russia after 7.0 magnitude earthquake, sending ash column 5 miles high

Or, it was just the moment Putin found out Ukraine had marched 20 miles into Russia …

RFK Jr dropped out Presidential race

Looks like the campaign was no longer bearable!

Happy 87th Birthday, Dustin Hoffman

That’s 87, 87. Definitely, 87 … 87 … 87. Definitely, 87 …

Massive group of 20-25 target Hollywood 7-Elevens in smash-and-grab robberies

Would’ve gotten away with it if they didn’t come back for a free refill on Big Gulps.

The law firm for the family of Isaac Hayes has filed a demand for Trump to stop playing Hayes’s music

Although, it does makes sense for the guy that wants to give us all the Shaft!

Happy 66th Birthday, Madonna

What do you get for the girl who’s had everyone?

Dallas Cowboys training camp site catches fire in Oxnard

… Something the actual team hasn’t done in decades.

$5 million worth of meth disguised as watermelons found at California customs checkpoint

Sounds like they thought they were going through costumes not customs.

Roger Cook dies: ‘This Old House’ longtime landscape expert was 70

The grass will now be greener on the other side … RIP.

Kamala Harris is among 1 in 8 Americans who have worked at McDonald’s

… While, JD Vance is the only American banned from Living Spaces.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)