Flutist Interview: Jerry Duncan Show - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Arnie Barney, a flutist from the Wasilla Symphony in Alaska.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. I’m interviewing Arnie Barney, a flutist from the Wasilla Symphony. Right here in Alaska.

flutist statue — Photo: Susan Smith, flickr.com, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

JERRY

Hello Arnie.

FLUTIST ARNIE BARNEY

Jerry. You’re my hero.

JERRY

The show just started. You’ll change your mind. Tell me something.

ARNIE

Ya.

JERRY

Why the flute?

ARNIE

Simple. I’m the only person in Alaska that can get birds to clear the airport runway when I play. The mayor loves me.

JERRY

Then you must know what a flute and baseball have in common.

ARNIE

Nope.

JERRY

People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

ARNIE

That’s a low blow. Flutes date back 45,000 years ago in Europe. There was a bone flute discovered in China that is 9,000 years old.

JERRY

Who plays a bone flute?

ARNIE

Porn star Stormy Daniels. Just ask Trump.

ARNIE

I play the metal flute 26 inches long with a lip and 16 holes for finger movements. It produces sounds of beautiful music with a vibrating column of air.

JERRY

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I saw a chicken cross the road the other day to get away from a flute recital.

ARNIE

It’s the exception. Hip hop star Lizzo plays the flute. Even though she’s a big woman, people want to be just like her.

JERRY

Really? My mother got mad at me the other day when I told her that she looked like Lizzo.

Jerry picks up a call.

JERRY

It’s Lizzo! Go ahead. You’re on the air.

LIZZO

I’m pissed. Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself… a piece of cake. My New Years’ resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

JERRY

I’m sorry.

LIZZO

No, you’re not. You moron! Hey, my songs have reached the top of the Billboard Hot 100. In 2022, I won a Grammy Award for Record of the Year. I sing and play everything from jazz to funk-pop.

JERRY

What do you call ten flutes at the bottom of the ocean?

LIZZO

Are you serious, man?

JERRY

I am.

LIZZO

What?

JERRY

A good start.

ARNIE

You betcha.

JERRY

Arnie Barney and Lizzo everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B.Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.