Incident at Cemetery Worse Than Reported

Reports about the incident at Arlington National Cemetery missed the worst of it. A Humor Times exclusive!

Former President Donald J. Trump and his entourage were physically blocked by an Arlington National Cemetery official who decried Trump’s use of the facility for “political purposes,” but media reports missed the worst of it. Trump’s team claimed they were marking the third anniversary of a terrorist attack which claimed the lives of 13 U.S. Service members and 150 Afghans, but with a camera team in tow, it was obviously just a campaign event.

Things got deadly serious very quickly. Trump communications director Steven “Mad Dog” Cheung remarked that the cemetery official “experienced an obvious psychotic episode” and so was promptly shot dead by Trump’s Secret Service Detail. “Good riddance to bad trash,” muttered Cheung. Capital Police took possession of the body, but not before the ex-president spat upon the remains.

Trump had been invited by family members of the fallen soldiers and posed with them with a “thumbs-up” gesture. Also accompanying the display were juggling and high-wire acts, tumbling demonstrations, bear wrestling and an NRA color guard.

“They say we’re disrespecting the suck… er, soldiers, and that ain’t true!” cried Trump, nervously fumbling with his extra long red silk tie. He posed for photographers in a red MAGA hat, an XXXXL “Mug Shot” tee-shirt and gilded “No Surrender” sneakers. Kanye West was present and babbled incoherently into a live mic.

The incident occurred in Section 60 of Arlington, where service members slain in the Afghanistan and Iraq wars are interred. Trump reminded reporters that “More than 400,000 of our nation’s losers occupy a place of honor here. Of course,” he went on, “I would’ve been happier if they hadn’t been caught or riddled with bullets, but there you go. Some of them,” he concluded lightly, “received the nearly worthless Medal of Honor.” He smirked. “It’s sad,” he said.

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sen. JD Vance (R-OH) also attended, and was conducting a ceremony in the company of a Druid Priest, who was preparing to ritually sacrifice a bag of cats.

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.