His first day back is all about “making America great again,” says the self-described “Dictator on Day One.”
This could be America at 12 noon on January 20, 2025. Let’s go forward in our time machine and imagine all the fantastic things newly-elected President Donald Trump is doing on his first day back.
It’s all about “making America great again,” says the country’s self-described “Dictator on Day One.”
First, we have the inaugural parade down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. It’s staged in the military-style parades of North Korea and Russia.
Trump and his special guest, Russian President Vladimir Putin, watch from the reviewing stand as tanks and other armored vehicles, advanced intercontinental ballistic missiles, and thousands of American soldiers, joined by some of Putin’s comrades in the Russian army, parade down the avenue. Putin calls the parade великолепный–magnificent. Trump, the “stable genius,” boasts that “nobody does grand parades better than I do.”
Trump announces he has ended the Russian-Ukraine war. In exchange for Russia taking over all of Ukraine, Trump said the Ukrainians are receiving the Russian beet soup borscht. Trump claims the borscht is almost as tasty as his favorite New York strip steak slathered in ketchup.
“That borscht should satisfy the Ukrainians,” said Trump. The newly inaugurated president says Ukrainians better like the borscht or else because “we’ve done enough for them already. Okay?” Trump may not realize it, but borscht is actually a Ukrainian native dish.
Day 1 brings us the exciting news that all 15 million illegal immigrants in the United States are being deported from the country. Trump has secured enough airplanes, trains, and chartered buses to return them to wherever they came from.
“Now America can go back to being the real America,” announces Trump. His Vice President JD Vance is personally supervising the deportation operation. To show his hands-on eagerness to help, Vance is driving the buses that gets rid of all the illegals.
The Israel-Gaza War is over. Trump announces that, like Eisenhower going to Korea to end the war there back in the 1950s, he is flying on Air Force One with one of his buddies, professional wrestler, Hulk Hogan, to the Gaza Strip to sign the peace treaty between the two warring factions. Trump said that in celebration of the peace, he is joining the Israelis in dancing the Hora. Meanwhile, Trump said he is having the Hulk pin to the mat anybody in Gaza who tries to start trouble.
Trump next flies to the Texas-Mexico border. There, he is personally supervising construction of his “big, beautiful” 1,194-mile wall that will encompass the whole expanse of the U.S.-Mexico border. Work on the mall will be finished “like a miracle” within the next few days, Trump said. If necessary, he will temporarily keep some of the illegal aliens in the country to build the wall before they’re put on the next plane back to the Third World. Trump proclaims that “nobody said the Wall could happen. It’s happening. It’ll be the Greatest Wall of All Time. Okay?”
A few of the illegals are also being flown to Mongolia to help construct in that nation a new Trump International Golf Club.
On his first day in office, Trump announces that a number of his enemies are being sent to federal prison camps after his “patriotic and loyal” U.S. Department of Justice convicts them of treason. The list is endless. But to cite a few names, it includes “Crooked” Hillary Clinton, “Sleepy” Joe Biden, “Comrade” Kamala Harris, “Crazy” Nancy Pelosi, “Deranged” Liz Cheney, “Commie” Barack Hussain Obama, “Nutjob” Anthony Fauci, “Horseface” Stormy Daniels, “Pocahontas” Elizabeth Warren, “Enemy of the People lamestream media,” and especially his ex-lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen.
Meanwhile, Trump is sending Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee “Tampon” Tim Walz to a special maximum-security prison in Alaska. Walz will pay for all the nasty things he said about America’s “God-ordained” leader, said Trump. He nicknamed Walz, Tampon, citing a bill the Minnesota governor signed requiring access to menstrual products in public schools.
Trump announces that every elementary and high school in America will hang a portrait of him on their walls, next to the 10 Commandments. Every student will reverently bow their heads to his picture as they recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
In that regard, Trump is having his team start selling more of his personally signed Bibles, sneakers, and perfume. Also on the Trump Shopping Network is his 3rd series of NFT Digital Trading cards. Those supporters who buy enough of his cards, that cost $99 apiece, will receive in the mail what Trump calls “authentic” pieces of his “The Knockout Suit,” that he wore for the presidential debate against Joe Biden, whose poor performance at that event led him to drop out of the presidential race. Trump proudly announces that a lucky few will receive his autograph on the pieces from the blue suit–“a true collector’s item.”
Day One ends with the American people wondering how it was humanly possible for one man to accomplish so many great things so fast. Trump offers a self-satisfied grin and says, “Nobody thought in a million years it could all be done. But I did it in a day. Wait till you all see what I have in store for America on Day 2. Hint: It involves abortion. Okay?”
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