Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Red Lobster closing more restaurants, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Red Lobster closing nearly two dozen more restaurants

Well, one group is happy, ‘Save the Shrimp!’

JD Vance says he is disturbed by teachers who are childless

In fairness, said everyone who went to Catholic school.

What to expect from the new Boeing 777-9 – the world’s longest and widest passenger plane

Hold on to your seats. I mean literally hold onto your seats … for when the doors fall off!

Announcing a record-breaking $148 BILLION transportation investment to strengthen Texas roadways

Joe Biden/Kamala Harris: You’re welcome.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez ‘planned’ divorce, agreed she’d be the one to file

Makes sense. With this one, she gets a free soda and medium fries.

Bruce Springsteen, 74, declares ‘we ain’t quitting’

Although his next tour will be called: ‘Born to Run to Go Pee Three Times in the Middle of the Night.’

New Yahoo News/YouGov poll: RFK Jr. hasn’t upended the 2024 election by dropping out and endorsing Trump

… So, the bear minimum.

Father-daughter duo arrested in Southern California retail theft bust

Look for their sentence to be: Forever 21-40 With Time Off For Good Behavior.

Inflation eases

… Although a deflation may require putting Tom Brady on the Fed.

William and Harry didn’t speak to each other at their uncle’s funeral

Look for them on a special episode of Royal Family Feud!

Long-hidden family scandal in Jamestown colony revealed 400 years later by ancient DNA

Turns out Rick James family started there and his Great, great grandmother was a ‘freak, a super freak!’

Oasis confirms 2025 reunion tour after 15-year split

Can someone tell me when Nickleback is back on tour so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that either?

FAA grounds SpaceX after rocket falls over in flames at landing

On the upside, it didn’t back into any kids.

Kamala Harris asked about Trump saying she was Asian then all of sudden she was black

They really should ask Trump about being white; and then one day, all of a sudden, he’s orange.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)