Ex-Prez hopes to be new prez, announces heads of new cabinet for the newly-branded United States of Trump.
After he’s elected President, The United States of America will have a new, snappier name, says Donald Trump.
Following his inauguration on January 20, 2025, he promises to sign an executive order changing the country’s name to “The United States of Trump.” Trump rejected claims from what he calls “dirty Communists in the Democrat Party” that only an Act of the U.S. Congress or an Act of God would permit the name change.
“Sounds 20 times better than the old name, okay?” said Trump, who revealed that he considered calling it The United States of Donald Trump but why bother using his first name? “Everybody already knows my name and how famous and great I am,” Trump modestly said.
“America sounds so old and tired,” said Trump. “We need a brand that will get a better Q score. What’s better than Trump?”
The name “America” supposedly derives from an Italian named Amerigo Vespucci, who explored the North American continent way back in the 1500s. Trump, saying that America sounds like something a “left-wing lunatic Democrat might dream up,” added that “who cares where the original name came from? The guy was an Italian, probably an illegal alien. We need the name of somebody who was born in this country, right? Who better than me?”
Meanwhile, Trump called himself “proud” to announce the names of those who will be in his Cabinet and in other key positions in his administration.
“My choices are the cream of the crop,” said Trump. “You couldn’t find more qualified people to serve the citizens of Trump nation. And by citizens, I don’t mean all 15 million illegal aliens who I’m throwing out of our beautiful country. I mean true-blue red-blooded patriots who are devoted and loyal to the United States of Trump.”
For U.S. Secretary of State and National Security Advisor, Trump said he has selected the “distinguished” Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. Trump described her as an acknowledged foreign policy and extraterrestrial expert, specifically her insight about a Jewish space beam from outer space that she claimed caused wildfires in California. Trump called her somebody “who won’t let anybody run over this country like the traitors did in the previous corrupt Sleepy Joe Biden administration.”
Trump announced that he has chosen Ivanka Trump to be Secretary of a new cabinet post called the Department of First Impressions. Trump said if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter he would date her because ‘she’s so good-looking.”
On that score regarding having a “10” in his cabinet, Trump said his wife Melania Trump will be Secretary of another new position, called the Office of High Fashion and Looking Good as Gold.
For U.S. Attorney General, the pick is Trump’s son, Donald Trump, Jr., who will put all of his family’s “traitorous enemies that include Crooked Hillary Rotten Clinton in jail.”
Another son, Eric Trump, will be Secretary of Defense. “Eric’s very fit and tall. Like 6’5” He’ll scare off all our foreign enemies,” said Donald Trump.
Jared Kushner will be the Professional Trump Son-in-Law and White House Chief of Staff. “The Boy knows how to make great deals. What else you want?” growled Trump.
Asked if having his family members in senior government jobs doesn’t violate nepotism statutes, Trump said, sounding like the embodiment of what Richard Nixon claimed, “What statutes? I’m the President. When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal, by definition.”
Rudy Giuliani will head the U.S. Department of Treasury. “Who knows more about bankruptcy and fraud than Rudy? Besides, he gave everyone definite proof that Joe Biden stole the 2020 election from me,” Trump said.
Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. will lead the Department of Health and Human Services. Trump said he’s appointing him for the job based on his “tremendous work getting rid of all those stupid Covid-19 and flu vaccines that cause autism.”
Steve Bannon, now serving four months in jail, will be Press Secretary and Director of the Office of Communications. “Steve hates the lamestream press just as much as I do,” said Trump. “He’s perfect for the job.”
Elon Musk will be the new Secretary of Commerce and Overseer of the Office of Government Corruption and Waste. Trump said to forget that Musk’s social media company, X, has lost billions of dollars from its original value after Musk took it over. “He’s brilliant at firing people,” Trump said. “As I always like to say, ‘You’re fired.’ I love firing people. Elon got rid of practically everyone who worked at X. He’ll fire all those lazy overpaid no-good civil service bureaucrats in the government wasting hard-earned taxpayers’ money sitting around doing nothing.”
Ye (formerly known as Kanye West) for Secretary of Labor. “He’s Black,” said Trump. “The Blacks love me. And I love The Blacks, just like I love The Jews. And they love me. He’s also super rich like me. A winner. I love winners. Hate losers.”
Tucker Carlson–U.S. Trade Representative. “Tucker loves the Prime Minister of Hungary, my good friend, Roy Orbison,” Trump explained, apparently meaning Viktor Orban and not the late pop singer and guitarist. “Tucker will slap 50 percent tariffs on China and anybody else trying to suck the Trump nation dry.”
Professional Wrestler Hulk Hogan–Head of the new Office of Immigration Deportation and Execution. “He’ll body slam any illegal alien who causes trouble before he throws them out of the country,” Trump emphasized.
Rosanne Barr–U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. “She’s always good for a laugh. Perfect for that joke of a place, the United Nations,” joked Trump.
Kid Rock–Secretary of Homeland Security. “He’ll learn what he’s supposed to do after I tell him,” Trump said. “Hell, I could run the government by myself. I’m the only one that can save this nation.”
The Rapper, 50 Cent will be the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. “He’s worth at least a dollar. Ha Ha. My joke. Who says Donald Trump never laughs?” laughed Trump. “He’ll make a great spy for us. Besides, he’s Black. Did I mention I love The Blacks?”
Clint Eastwood is set to head the FBI. “I love Dirty Harry. Seen all his movies. Guy makes my day,” Trump said.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggert will be christened as Trump’s personal pastor at the White House. Trump said he “doesn’t care” that Swaggert was defrocked by the Assemblies of God after he allegedly paid a prostitute to pose nude for him. “He’s my kind of guy. Nobody prays like Jimmy Swaggert. Besides, he bought one of my personal Trump bibles that I have on sale for $59.99,” trumpeted Trump.
Bozo the Clown would be director of the new Office of Entertainment, Fun and Games. Trump said he’s the “BEST CLOWN EVER. WORLD CLASS. Okay?”
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