Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
The Patron Saint of Songwriters and Blues Singers was from ancient times, making this Mar-a-Lago garage discovery quite historic.
According to SNN Musicology Anthropology reporter Hey Diggit Manne, the FBI unearthed the long-sought-after lost tomb of The Patron Saint of Songwriters and Blues Singers Blind Willius of Cyrene Hill under the Mar-a-Lago garage.
It happened while they were searching his Mar-a-Lago estate for classified documents back in the summer of 2022. Since they weren’t the classified material they were looking for, the FBI never mentioned it to the press or in court filings. However, an agent present at the raid who wished to remain anonymous recently confided in Manne about it.
According to the agent, when Trump tried to flood the video equipment room to destroy evidence, the water saturated the ground under the garage, causing it to bulge up and crack the cement.
Many music scholars consider Blind Willius as the first singer songwriter and first blues singer. From 30 BC to 20BC he scored big hits such as “Nubian Blues,” “Crucifixion Blues,” ”Gladiator Blues,” “Caesar and Cleo Blues,” “Punic War Blues” and “Hoochi Coochi Roman Blues.”
Blind Willius first came to note when he was hired as lead Lyre player for Pontius Pilate and The Nail Driving Five. He invented the first electric Lyre and The Lyre Stratocaster and developed the technique of slide lyre playing.
The group relocated to downtown Rome and played halftime shows at Gladiator bouts and Lions vs. Christians spectacles at the Roman Coliseum.
One night while playing at the famous Forum Fillmore Club he was caught screwing Caesar’s wife. With a price on his head, he had to go underground. It is said that he assumed the identity of a wandering minstrel named Golgotha Slim, and that many consider his 20 BC recording of “I Promised My Ass I’d Buy It Some Charmin Before I Die,” to be The first Country & Western song.
He was canonized into sainthood by The Church of Slobovia in 1536, along with Saint Lucille the Patron Saint of Discount Good Time Girls, Saint Bo, the Patron Saint of Bloodhounds, Saint Dan Matthews, Patron Saint of Highway Patrolmen and Saint Sneaky Pete Patron Saint of Winos.
How the tomb ended up in the Americas is still a mystery.
Breaking News
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SNN Words to Live By
“Scandal, like murder, will out.” — Perry Mason (Raymond Burr), Perry Mason 1950’s TV series.
“Blackmail, like cancer, needs radical treatment.” — Paul Drake (William Hopper), Perry Mason, 1950’s TV series.
“Your wife is not your friend.” — Comedian Bill Cosby.
The Question of the Week
Who’s your least favorite Cartwright? Monkee? President? (Leave your answer in the comments below!)
Author’s picks: Adam, Peter, Reagan.
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