[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

JD Vance: School Shootings a ‘Fact of Life’

Trump’s running mate told supporters that school shootings were a “fact of life” and that “there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Addressing a meeting of the Phoenix chapter of the National Rifle Association on Thursday, Republican vice presidential nominee Sen. JD Vance (R. OH) told supporters that school shootings were a “fact of life.” Vance was referencing another school shooting, this one happening at Apalachee High School in Georgia. It marked the 416th school shooting since the Columbine incident 25 years ago. Vance assured attendees that this “did not represent a pattern.”

fact of life, Apalachee High School
Apalachee High School near Winder, Georgia.

“I don’t like school shootings,” admitted Vance, surprising some NRA members, “but they’re here, they’re gonna stay, and there’s nothing we can do about it.” Vance added that this was “no time for restrictive gun legislation” and that action taken in the heat of the moment “would not be fair to the millions of law-abiding gun owners who did not blow away innocent members of the community.”

Vance said instead that he advocates “hardening soft targets” like schools, churches, retail stores, public assemblies, bowling alleys, and any other place where human beings may convene.” The Republican VP nominee suggested erecting perimeter fences, “maybe 30 or 40 feet tall, and circling them with razor wire.”

Vance said funding for the fences could come from the same source as Trump’s border wall and could in fact be constructed by the same company. in which businessman and Vance guru Peter Thiel owns a majority stake. Sniper stations, land mines and armed patrols are also under discussion, said Vance. “Anything to instill a safe, positive educational environment for our schools,” he declared.

After the shooting, Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris said that school violence “doesn’t have to be this way.” When confronted with Harris’s remarks, Vance said that “Harris is a fatuous, quasi-minority chick” and “clearly doesn’t understand today’s realities.” Vance likewise echoed Donald Trump’s statement made after a school shooting in Perry, IA last January when he said, “It’s time to just get over it.”

The Senator from Ohio took a moment to mention Darryl Cooper, whom former Fox News host Tucker Carlson recently described as “the best and most honest popular historian in the U.S.” Cooper came under fire recently for suggesting that the Holocaust had been “taken out of context” and that Adolf Hitler was “the right man at the right time.” Vance said that Cooper and he were writing the forward to one another’s new book.

Vance added parenthetically that the world’s richest man, Elon Musk, is on “the short list” for “a very important position in the new Trump Administration.” When questioned by reporters as to the nature of this position, Vance said he wasn’t free to say, but that it would involve the U.S. Mint. “It only makes good sense,” said Vance, “to put Musk where the rest of the money is.”

Bill Tope
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