Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the ex-wife of Tobey Maguire, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tobey Maguire ex-wife Jennifer Meyer engaged to Nigerian billionaire heir

So, answering those emails sometimes does pay off.

Critics spot awkward issue with Melania Trump’s book cover

I’m guessing it’s a pic of Michelle Obama …

NASA says no return date yet for Astronauts and troubled Boeing capsule at space station

However, their luggage arrived safely on Mars.

Liz Cheney endorsed Kamala

… While her dad offered to take Vance hunting…

Two U.S. Marines assaulted in Turkey by nationalist mob chanting ‘Yankee go home’

They planned to scream ‘Mets go home,’ but very few Mets ever make it to home.

BREAKING: $2.99/gal surges to the top and is now the most commonly encountered gas price in the US

Yeah but the cost for medical care stemming from two loaded hot dogs and a nacho bonanza at the mini mart makes up for it.

Happy 59th birthday, Charlie Sheen

And, happy 157th to his liver!

Study finds Miami is rudest U.S. city

Maybe, visitors think instead of saying Miami Beach, people say ‘Miami, Bitch.’

Sentencing for man who made 12,000 harassing phone calls to members of Congress

I’m shocked, shocked he was able to reach members of Congress.

Jennifer Lopez is dancing on public escalators amid divorce from Ben Affleck

Man, those divorce lawyers must cost a fortune, because you’d think she wouldn’t need the money.

Isaac Hayes’ family heads to court to end Trump campaign’s use of ‘Hold On, I’m Coming’

In other words, they’re done getting the Shaft.

‘Secret Lives of Mormon Wives’ star says arrest after swingers’ sex scandal saved her life

So, now it’s back to their normal love life between a man and his wife … And his wife… and his wife…

Police swarm nudist ranch in search of suspect tied to missing Redlands couple

… Welp, at least, these are people with nothing to hide.

Goldman Sachs says Comrade Kamala is better for economy

… But, in fairness, JD Vance has made us all look more lovingly at family room furniture.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)