[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Elon Musk to Implant Chip in Trump’s Brain

Former president said to be thrilled by prospect of life extension offered by use of implant.

Donald Trump says he’s “excited” by Elon Musk’s proposal to have a computer chip implant inserted into his brain.

Elon Musk Neuralink implant
Photo: Steve Jurvetson, flickr.com, CC BY 2.0.

Trump said Musk told him that the chip could possibly prolong his life by at least 200 years, and maybe much more. Which means that, if elected in November, Trump might choose to remain President of the United States for as long as the computer chip lasts.

Musk’s company, Neuralink, would install the computer chip by using a robot to surgically insert wires of the implant into a part of the brain related to a person’s movement.

Musk says it’s possible that as refinements are made, the implant would allow Trump to keep throwing illegal immigrants out of the country into eternity. He might need all those extra years to stay alive, seeing that as Trump says in updated claims, there are at least 21million illegal immigrants “and maybe more” in the country. That might take a little effort to hire enough deportation police to send all the illegals back to whatever “hellhole” they came from.

Trump falsely claimed in his presidential debate with Kamala Harris that Haitian immigrants, who are legally in this country under a U.S. humanitarian parole program, are eating dogs and cats owned by residents in the town of Springfield, Ohio.

“We’re in danger of losing all our beautiful pets in America because of these unwashed immigrants who are being let out of prisons and mental institutions to come here,” Trump later told reporters. “We’ve got to stop our pets from being eaten alive before it’s too late. Besides, if these pets could vote for president, they’d vote for me. I love pets. And they love me. Okay?”

Supposedly, a Springfield family’s dog named Rover, after hearing what Trump said about Haitian immigrants eating pets, hid under the bed scared for its life. It’s reported that ducks and geese in Springfield also better think twice about making quacking and honking sounds in public for fear the Haitians will come after them.

Unbeknownst to Trump, Musk sees his implant as a way he can control the former president’s movements and thinking. In other words, Musk would be the power behind the scenes if Trump wins the presidential election. Which means Musk would use Artificial Intelligence’s remote control to dictate whatever comes out of Trump’s mouth when he speaks from the White House. With AI doing all the heavy lifting, Trump’s speech might come across as robotic, but at least it possibly would sound halfway intelligent and coherent as opposed to what it sounds like now.

Maybe Trump somehow would realize he was being controlled by Musk’s implant, since he’s a self-described “stable genius.” But that probably wouldn’t bother him much, providing he could keep throwing illegals out of the country and could spend the rest of his time playing golf on one of his championship 18-hole courses.

Installing the computer chip wouldn’t just stop with Donald Trump, of course. Insiders say Musk also has big ideas of installing the chip inside JD Vance’s brain, which might have a thing or two to say about “childless cat ladies ruining the country.”

Other potential key officials in a Trump administration such as Marjorie Taylor Greene, Rudy Giuliani, Steve Bannon, and Mike the “My Pillow Guy” Lindell might all be prime candidates for the chip. It could also be used to replace the dead worm that is in Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brain, and, in addition, could be put in the brains of Trump’s sons Donald Trump, Jr., and Eric Trump. That’s not to mention Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity and other right-wing blowhards who could use something implanted in their heads to calm down instead of their deranged accusations that all of Trump’s opponents are lunatic left-wing traitors and Marxists. We also have the right-wingers spouting crazy theories that Mother Teresa was a man, while at the same time claiming the Roman Catholic nun was the mother of Anthony Fauci.

Elon Musk, who Trump postulated he might appoint to cut waste in the federal government, could use that new position to implant a computer chip into the Heads of the Federal Trade Commission and the Food and Drug Administration. That way as the so-called government efficiency expert, Musk can keep control of the FTC to make sure it doesn’t mess with his social media X platform, and the FDA to keep its mitts off his Neuralink start-up company.

Surprisingly, Musk has expressed interest in helping out a supposed adversary, President Joe Biden. As Trump said during the presidential debate, Biden “doesn’t even know he’s alive.” Trump asked “where is” Biden? “We don’t even know if he’s a president.”

Musk speculated on X earlier in the year that Biden was dying or may already be dead. Fact checkers, after doing scrupulous research, said later that Biden apparently was not totally dead.

But still convinced Biden was either dead or not in the best shape, Musk offered “out of pity” to insert his computer chip into the President’s brain to keep him moving at least until after his term in office ends in January 2025.

Asked for the President’s reaction to the offer, a White House spokesman said the President, who he insisted was still alive, would like to put the chip into Elon Musk’s brain.

“The guy has a loose wire somewhere,” said the spokesman.

Eric Green
Share
Share