[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

In Wake of Latest Assassination Attempt, GOP Leaders Vow to Change Laws

Cries to revamp gun laws have arisen from both Trump and DeSantis in wake of second assassination attempt.

On July 1, 2023, Florida became the 26th U.S. state to allow “permitless” or “Constitutional” carry of concealed firearms. When Governor Ron DeSantis signed HB 543 into law, he touted it as “A giant step forward for the 2nd Amendment.”

assassination attempt suspect pulled over
Assassination attempt suspect pulled over. Photo: Martin County Sheriff’s Office, Public Domain.

Now, in the wake of a second assassination attempt on former President and current Republican nominee Donald J. Trump in his home state of Florida, cries for revamping the law have arisen from both Trump and DeSantis. The GOP heavyweights addressed a sparse crowd of supporters at a Trump rally at a Burger King in Tallahassee on Monday.

The existing law prohibits conceal/carry in certain instances; for example, in “places of nuisance,” or areas that “endanger the health of the community.” Such venues include “prostitution dens, illegal gambling halls, and massage parlors.”

The new HB 666 acknowledges that, as houses of prostitution, gambling dens and massage parlors are now legal under Florida law, in instances where they provide state tax revenue from their operation, conceal/carry will forthwith be permitted. DeSantis noted that “Opium dens and heroin conclaves,” likewise now legal, will be accorded the privilege of conceal/carry as well.

Another change concerns training required for permitless carry; HB 543 required no such training. According to DeSantis, the “marksmanship displayed at the assassination attempts was horrible,” and so training will now be required. The NRA is expected to play a role in this endeavor.

Other venues where conceal/carry are proscribed include polling places and schools. “Why the hell do we have shooter drills if we’re not going to allow guns in the schools?” DeSantis asked the crowd. “That’s a waste of taxpayer money!” Respecting firearms at polling places, ex-President Trump insisted that election monitors be stationed at polling places for the upcoming election, and that they be “locked and loaded.”

Other restrictions include disallowing concealed weapons by convicted felons. Trump has cried that this restriction is “Prejudiced…unfair…to tourists and patriots who have been persecuted by a weaponized Justice Department.” Both men agreed, however, that transgenders and groomers should be prohibited from possessing a concealed weapon, including at their most notorious conclave in Florida: Disneyworld.

Some portions of the present law the GOP leaders concur with, including the citizenship and residency requirements set forth. “We don’t want no armed caravans or vermin from no shithole countries inffesting Florida,” snarled Trump. “They all rape and steal and pillage; this law just makes good sense!”

Bill Tope
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