Post-Debate Interview: Donald Trump - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former president Donald Trump, post-debate.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest on today’s post-debate show is former president Donald Trump. Fresh off a disastrous presidential debate with Vice President Kamala Harris.

DONALD TRUMP

I won the debate. It was rigged, Duncan. ABC should have their license revoked. The radical left is destroying our nation. Satan is on the loose.

JERRY

Trumpster. I found Satan. Here, look in my mirror and you’ll see him.

TRUMP

That’s me.

JERRY

Of course it is. The only time you’ve told the truth.

TRUMP

Democrats are liars. I’m a very stable genius. In fact, I aced a cognitive test. Have a great memory. I identified a snake, alligator, elephant… and a Haitian eating a dog in Springfield, Ohio.

JERRY

Sorry, pea brain. I spoke to the Springfield mayor. A security camera caught a Haitian eating a hot dog at Costco. You don’t think.

TRUMP

Actually, I think like an elephant. I’m sure Dumbo is wondering how I breathe through something so small between my legs.

JERRY

You’re behind in every presidential poll against Kamala Harris. Even Fox shows you down by 3 points.

TRUMP

Poles can be wrong. For example, the Poles thought they were so smart when they installed screen doors on submarines to keep out the fish. That didn’t work out so well.

JERRY

You could lose the election.

TRUMP

Only if the Democrats allow dead people to vote like they did in 2020. I understand Abe Lincoln switched parties at the last minute. It cost me the election.

JERRY

The last election was the most secure in history. 81 million Americans fired you. And you tried to stop the certification of the states by telling your MAGA supporters to storm the Capitol.

TRUMP

C’mon. They were friendly tourists taking in the sites. Big crowd, big crowd.

JERRY

Right. Americans are worried that you won’t accept the election results in November if you lose. True?

TRUMP

Yes. A mail-in ballot is voter fraud. Illegals, prisoners, dead people and hamsters are on the voter rolls.

JERRY

This is unfounded based on evidence. The peaceful transfer of power is the core of our American democracy.

TRUMP

My friend Vladimir Putin said it doesn’t work. I even got a second opinion from Kim Jong Un. Why would they lie?

JERRY

You gave trillions of dollars of tax cuts to millionaires and billionaires in 2017. And plan to do so again if you are elected. Goldman Sachs said it would result in a recession within 6 months after you take office.

TRUMP

Goldman Sachs is a two-bit deli in Brooklyn. What the hell do they know?

TRUMP

Money isn’t everything. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.

JERRY

Get real. If you lose the election, what will you do if you aren’t in prison?

TRUMP

After Kamala said, “Putin will eat me for lunch,” a light bulb went on in my head. I’m opening a chain of restaurants called Beyond Nuts. It will feature a unique menu. Foods like Mexican roasted chicken stuffed with pot, Sloppy Steve Bannon hamburgers with a generous topping of his pimples, and Melania Trump Slovenian coffee brewed in World War 1 combat helmets blessed by a priest.

JERRY

Former president Donald Trump everyone. See you tomorrow.

TRUMP

This will be H-U-G-E!

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.