Plans to fly space mission on Elon Musk rocket to move Trump-shaped asteroid.
Donald Trump pledges that if he’s elected President in November, he’ll lead a space mission to alter the present orbit of a Trump-shaped asteroid he claims threatens to destroy Earth.
Trump said he will fly on a Musk SpaceX rocket toward the asteroid, “just like in the movie Armageddon, where Bruce Willis played the part of me.”
He added that Elon Musk will accompany him on the mission, saying, “He’d probably be the wisecracking geek ‘Rockhound’ dude played by Steve Buscemi.”
As one jokester scientist put it, the asteroid is huge, about the size of 54 Trumps. It could wipe out all living creatures inhabiting Earth, according to Trump. He added, however, that the destruction won’t be so bad if it includes the “fake news left-wing lamestream media.”
Space cadet Trump claims to be about 6’3” tall, although people recently observing the former president say he’s shrinking in his old age to about 5’11”, while conversely expanding in weight to over 300 pounds. He now resembles a blimp. Sure, it’s fair to say it’s juvenile to make fun of one’s appearance — just like Trump does in body shaming his enemies, such as comedian Rosie O’Donnell and his former influential advisor, Chris Christie, who he calls “fat pigs,” and Stormy Daniels, that he affectionately labels “horseface.”
The asteroid has been designated with the name 2024 XH, or in layman’s terms, “The Really Big Rock.” An unmanned spacecraft which was blasted into another asteroid called Dimorphos in 2022 for the first time in history changed an asteroid’s orbit. This time, Trump said, the mission will be manned, with him, “The Man.”
“I have a beautiful life now,” Trump told reporters in making the announcement that he’s saving humankind. “I don’t really have to do this. But I’ll put my life on the line to move that asteroid away so it doesn’t hit us. It shows my true colors as a brave warrior scared of nothing, even those lunatics who’ve been trying to assassinate me. I’m running for president to save America and the world. Once I’ve finished doing all that, you can all thank me later. That’s the least you could do to show your appreciation for the hero I am. Okay?”
Trump criticized his opponent in the presidential race, Kamala Harris, for being a coward in not pledging like he has to save Earth from the apocalypse. “You think she has the guts to go into space like me? I think not,” said Trump. He added that the fact Harris has never offered to lead a space mission shows she’s only interested in herself, not in an America First.
Scientific experts say Earth is not presently threatened with destruction by any known asteroids. It’ll be more than 100 years before that could conceivably happen, they report. Trump responded to the experts by saying, “Fake news. Who can believe anything those liars say?”
“Just like when everyone doubted me when I predicted Alabama might be destroyed by a hurricane,” Trump said. He apparently was referring to when he used a black Sharpie marker to alter an official National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration map to include Alabama in Hurricane Dorian’s trajectory toward that state in 2019. As it turned out, Alabama wasn’t hit by the hurricane. But Trump insisted he had been right all along that the hurricane “could” have struck Alabama and probably changed its course at the last minute. “So, I should be congratulated for warning people to take cover.”
Trump said once he’s elected president, he’ll start intensive training to whip himself into tip-top shape for the mission. This will consist of riding on his motorized cart to play 18 holes of golf each day on his championship links. Also, he’ll start a new arduous diet. Instead of having his favorite New York Strip Steak slathered in ketchup for dinner, he’ll switch to well-done filet mignon. However, he’ll forego his usual fries to experiment with an Idaho potato slathered in butter, followed by a dessert of vanilla ice cream. “I must sacrifice for the mission,” Trump said. “But that’s the price I’m willing to pay to make sure we move that asteroid. Okay?”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk expressed surprise when asked how he feels about riding with Trump on the asteroid mission. “I haven’t really talked with the President about going. It’s the first I’m hearing about it. But it’ll be my honor to head into space with him on one of my beautiful SpaceX rockets. Tell me again, when is this supposed to happen?”
Trump said the “corrupt left-wing Never-Trump traitors” will never believe he’ll actually volunteer to go into outer space on the asteroid mission. Trump ridiculed his critics who say his pledge to do so is only a cynical ploy to win votes for President and that never in a thousand years would he actually ride a rocket that leaves Earth behind.
“Would I ever make up a story like this?” asked Trump. “What do you expect from brain-dead people who don’t have half my intelligence?”
The former president said the actual date for lift-off to the asteroid hasn’t been determined. But he forecast it might take place later in 2025 after he clears his schedule from several other duties he needs to perform as President, such as hosting a championship golf tournament and reception at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida.
Lift-off might need to be delayed for when the asteroid starts becoming an imminent threat to Earth’s survival. Trump said he’ll let people know when that happens. In again debunking expert opinion that the asteroid won’t doom the planet, Trump said that as a “stable genius,” he understands better than anyone else what makes the universe tick.
“It’s just one of those rare God-given gifts I have,” Trump said with his usual modesty.
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