North Carolina: Trump with Mark Robinson

North Carolina Lt Gov Mark Robinson says “it’s the Hebes who are fixated on the so-called Holocaust” that are no good.

Breaking recent precedent, Republican presidential nominee former President Donald J. Trump campaigned with embattled candidate for N. Caroline Governor, Lt. Governor Mark Robinson on Monday, in the small community of Wilkesboro, North Carolina.

Robinson began by warmly alluding to the town of Wilkesboro, which he called “one of my favorite communities.” He claimed the town was christened in honor of Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth, a “man for his time” who, like Robinson and Trump, “got rotten press.”

The North Carolina Lt. Governor warmed up the boisterous crowd by shaking off criticism he’s received over the past week, over sexist, racist, homophobic and anti-Semitic posts he allegedly made years before. “They don’t wanna talk about today,” he bellowed from a podium hastily erected in the parking lot of a local truck stop. “They wanna talked about what maybe happened fifteen years ago! And so what if it did happen?” he asked. “What’re they gonna do to me? I’m free, white and 21!”

Robinson went on to claim that he was not anti-Semitic; “I support all the good Jews,” he shouted over the blaring truck horns. “It’s the bad Jews I ain’t got no time for. The Hebes that are fixated on the so-called Holocaust — which never happened — and who run pawn shops and the lamestream news media.”

The Lt. Governor then turned the mic over to the former president. Trump began his speech by addressing abortion: “Women will no longer be troubled about abortion. It’ll be like voting; you won’t even think about it anymore, once you get your mind right.

“The Supreme Court justices,” he said, “were very brave. It takes a brave person to tell the Senate Confirmation Committee, under oath, that you won’t vote to eliminate the right to abortion, and then go ahead and do it anyway.” He lifted his chin and smiled smugly into the sun. “Anyone who criticizes the Supreme Court should go to the slammer!” he shrieked, and to the accompaniment of the crowd’s “Sieg Heil!” salute, thrust his palm dramatically into the air.

Trump next touched on immigration. “They’re coming over in caravans,” cried Trump, “and they’re robbing and raping and sodomizing girls and women.” Here he licked his lips hungrily. “And most of these women and girls aren’t even their type, so there’s no excuse for it!”

“And,” he went on in a sing-song cadence, “in poor beleaguered Springfield, Ohio, the vermin have literally taken over the town. They have even seized a local KFC and now sell ‘Pet Pot Pies’ and ‘Collie Casseroles’ and so forth. The extra-spicy cat croutons are pretty tasty, but I don’t think I’d buy them…”

Also on the subject of immigration, Trump shouted that “A vote for (Kuh-MOLL-Uh) is a vote to allow 75 million more vicious, rat-like vermin to invade our failed nation. “They are already infesting and attacking defenseless towns in the Midwest! It’s sad.”

“Lemme tell you about Harris’s so-called husband Doug Emhoff: I happen to know that they were never legally married and are in fact living in sin. I wanna see their marriage certificate!” demanded the ex-president hotly. Harris is actually married to Willie Brown!” he glanced to an aide. “Or is it Willy Horton? And Emhoff,” added Trump, “is a crappy Jew.”

As the crowd chanted “Jews will not replace us, Jews will not replace us, Jews will…” Trump said softly, “Yes, there are definitely fine people on both sides here…”

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.