[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump: ‘I Will Abolish the Democratic Party’

Declares he can abolish anything he wants, since the Supreme Court granted him absolute power.

Once he’s reinstalled in the White House, Donald Trump says he will abolish the Democratic Party in the United States.

Official White House photo by Pete Souza, Public Domain

Trump says on Day 1 of his presidency he will sign an Executive Order declaring the “Democrat Party null and void.” His justification for such an order, he said, is that the Democrats are the “enemy of the state and traitors.”

The former president said he will order the Justice Department to jail a number of prominent Democrats, including Hillary Clinton, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Tim Walz, and California Congressmen Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. Even though they’re not Democrats, Trump said he’ll also put in jail Liz Cheney and her father, Dick Cheney, along with Mike Pence and Chris Christie for their “betrayal” of the Republican Party. Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels, Taylor Swift, and Oprah Winfrey also will face jail time for giving him grief, said Trump.

“Before I get through with them, I’ll seek to have them all executed for disloyalty to the U.S. Constitution,” Trump pledged.

“Persons who declare themselves as belonging to the Democrat Party will be subject to a fine of up to one million dollars and a sentence of up to five years in jail,” said Trump.

He declared that the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that the President has legal authority and absolute power to take any official action he deems necessary to protect the United States from enemies, both foreign and domestic. As the “enemy within,” Trump said, the “Democrat Party will henceforth be forever banned as a political entity.”

Trump said “my legal people tell me I’m allowed to do whatever is necessary to protect the citizens of our great country. It’s about time someone had the guts to do what should have been done a long time ago. Like I’m telling women during my presidential campaign, I’m your protector. That extends to all real, patriotic all-American men too.”

The Democratic National Committee issued a statement of protest saying Trump has no constitutional right to issue such an executive order. Party leaders say they will file a lawsuit against Trump declaring his order illegal if he does go through with it. The Party will take the case, if necessary, all the way to the Supreme Court.

Trump sneered when he heard Democrats plan a lawsuit against him for his goal to get rid of them.

“Let those SOBs go ahead and sue me. Make my day. You think the judges I put on the Supreme Court would dare rule against me? I’m the President and that gives me the right to do anything I want. If the dirty rotten Democrats think they’re going to win their case, they’re crazy. Okay?”

Asked what specifically the Democrats did to deserve being banned, Trump, as his wont, didn’t directly answer the question. Instead, he said Democrats by definition are socialists and Marxists and responsible for turning the country into a “sewer” where illegal immigrants are taking all the jobs from “real Americans.” He also repeated his assertion that the illegals are eating pet dogs and cats, and now they’ve graduated to becoming cannibals, eating peoples’ raw flesh.

“I saw them say that on TV. That’s how I know it’s true about them eating people,” said Trump.

Trump said Democrats like Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and going back to former Presidents Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Jimmy Carter are to blame for the country’s “open borders,” where “criminals and lunatics let out of jails and mental institutions are taking over our once beautiful country.”

That in itself, Trump maintained, “is grounds for charging the Democrat Party with treason.” If the Democrats continue to stay in power, added Trump, “we’ll end up with World III and it’ll be the end of America as we know it. We can’t let that happen. That’s why we have to outlaw the Democrat Party to save our country.”

Trump said Americans will be grateful to him for protecting them from the “horrors” of what the Democratic Party has done to them. Women especially will bow down to him in giving thanks that after he’s back in office, they will no longer have to worry about such things as abortion and sexual abuse.

That last statement is particularly ironic since Trump himself was found liable by a Manhattan jury in 2023 of sexually abusing and defaming writer E. Jean Carroll. She was awarded in that case $5 million in damages. Dozens of other women over the years have accused Trump of sexual assault.

Writing on social media, Trump said that “I will protect women at a level never seen before. They will finally be healthy, hopeful, safe and secure. Their lives will be happy, beautiful, and great again.”

Trump said that “everything will be peace and love under my leadership. I’ll protect us against any more Democrats trying to ruin our lives. Okay?”

Asked to comment on Trump’s assertion that he will be the country’s savior and protector, a Democratic Party spokesman responded with a contemptuous laugh. “It’s actually just the reverse,” he said.

“The truth is,” said the spokesman, “as is their inalienable right, the people of the United States of America need to be saved and protected from Donald Trump.”

Eric Green
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