Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about RFJ Jr and Oliva Nuzzi, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

JFK Jr and Oliva Nuzzi — JFK Jr, Cheryl Hines and Oliva Nuzzi.

RFK Jr boasted over ‘nude pics’ of NY Magazine reporter, Oliva Nuzzi, as her former fiancé reveals they have parted ways

His spouse Cheryl Hines‘ next show should be called “Throw Him to Curb.”

Rabbi, Muslim leader to join Pope on trip

I can’t be only one hoping at some point they walk into a bar.

Sean Combs arrested

So, looks like it’ll be up to a jury to decide: Diddy or Diddyn’t he?

Republicans continue to endorse Kamala

So, Trump now knows what it’s like when someone leaves you for a younger woman.

NFL Football analyst Mel Kipper believes two-high safeties “should be outlawed”

I thought the NFL already banned being that …

Study: People hate happy couples on Facebook

… Not as much as I hate them out in public.

Scientists may have been exposed to Anthrax in labs

Hey, it’s not as cruel as exposing them to Techno Pop.

New Hampshire Governor race has record spending

Making it the “Not Being Taken For Granite State.”

Florida teacher uses legs to put 3-year-old in headlock during story time, deputies say

In fairness, it was all tied up in a best of two-out-of-three match.

The moon is 100 million years younger than thought

So, I guess it doesn’t look so good for its age after all.

Trump ally Laura Loomer’s racist comments draw rebuke from Marjorie Taylor Greene

This is like Jeffrey Dahmer complaining about the menu at a Donner family reunion.

Arizona man blows Lego dot out of nose after 26 years: ‘I can breathe now’

I feel bad for the person who immediately stepped on it and hurt their foot.

US nuclear regulator has not gotten application for Three Mile Island restart

Maybe, they’re having a melt-down …

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is mad at Kamala for not having biological kids

… While the rest of us are mad at Mike Huckabee for having them …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)