Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about NY Grand Jury indictments, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NY Grand Jury indictments issued for a US Senator, a billionaire, a movie mogul, a hip-hop mogul, an ex-president, a NYC mayor

… everybody but the Professor and Mary Ann, here on Gilligan’s Island.

Shohei Ohtani first player in 50/50 club

Shohei Ohtani is Japanese for ‘The Natural.’

Boeing confirms production of 737s has halted

Boeing – the only business that offers as a door prize an actual door.

Behind Biden’s successfully passing the torch to Kamala

If Trump dropped out, he’d be passing the tiki torch.

Study: 63% of all human speech occurs under breath

And 98%, if you’re working as a waiter or waitress.

RFK Jr said the Democrats spent 10’s of millions of dollars to make him look crazy

I’m bearly able to hold back the laughter.

Trump Media (DJT) closes at 52-week low, plummeting over 10% today alone

If it went down any faster, Michael Cohen would have to pay it $130K to act like never happened.

50 Cent on avoiding Diddy parties over the years: ‘I’m not with all that freaky sh–‘

Fifty will now be known as 48 Cent after giving his two-cent worth …

White Sox become worst MLB team in modern history with record 121 losses

The Chicago White Sox are so awful they’ve already been eliminated from next year’s playoffs.

Happy 80th birthday Michael Douglas

Greed is good, but, a nap is way better.

Janet Jackson didn’t authorize apology for comments about Kamala Harris’ race, reps say

Gotta say I didn’t have Janet Jackson sounding like Ronnie Jackson on my Twitter bingo card.

11 things you should know about your musician friends

Number one: if they say they’re only crashing on the couch for one night, they’re lying.

Russia pushes sex-at-work scheme as population crisis escalates

This has forced Sarah Palin to pull down the shades at her house.

Willie Nelson has important political message for stoners

… Well, he did, and then he forgot what it was …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)